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"marched till my pack, gained a hundred an fifty pounds 



JoMiz eld BaM, 

BY --"T^Jiir 

EDWARD STREETER 

27th (N. Y.)' division 
Author of "Dere Mable," "Thats me all over, Mable" 

WITE 27 ILLUSTRATIONS IN BLACK-AND-WHITE BY 

G. WILLIAM BRECK 

CBill Breck") 

27th (N. Y.) division 




NEW YORK 

FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 



A 






K-v 



Copyright, IQIQ, by 
Frederick A. Stok.es Company 



All Rights Reserved 



(OCI.A530266 

JUL 18 1919 



PREFACE 

The rightful place for a preface Is at the end 
of a book or, better still, the scrap basket. My 
only reason for setting it here is lest someone 
read and, misunderstanding, take offense. 

Not for one moment has there been any 
thought of making light of that splendid, almost 
foolhardy, bravery which has characterized the 
American soldier. It was he himself who made 
light of it, as he did of the whole war, and prob- 
ably would of doomsday. 

Nor is there anything unkind or deprecating 
in his attitude toward the Frenchman. He met a 
race so distinct from his in ideals and customs 
that there was no basis for understanding. Fail- 
ing to understand, he followed his usual rule in 
such instances and laughed. 

One of those veterans of a dozen battles, 
chancing to glance over these pages, may say that 
the dangers and horrors of those last five 
months have been underrated. They, however, 
belong to a comparatively small and enviable mi- 
nority. Those who turned the tide in July, 191 8, 
and who knocked the line at St. Mihiel Into Its 
proper place In September, also bore the brunt on 



iv PREFACE 

the Meuse and the dreary mud-spattered monot- 
ony of the Army of Occupation. The great mass 
of the American army saw but a few brief weeks 
of fighting during October and November. Thou- 
sands of other Bills, equally brave and more 
eager because It was denied them, never heard 
the sound of guns except on the target range. 

This is not a treatise on International Rela- 
tions. It Is not a chronology of battles. It Is not 
a memorial of brave deeds. It Is merely a few 
Impressions of Pvt. William Smith, Buck, placed 
in a situation so new, so Incomparable, that It had 
wiser men than he guessing. He was one of 
those who left their reasons for being "there" 
to be analyzed by men not so occupied In the 
business of keeping alive. He would have been 
bored to death If you had tried to explain them 
to him anyway. His loyalty and patriotism 
were so unquestioned that its discussion was ab- 
surd. Sentimental, yet so sensitive to obvious 
sentimentality that he died many times making 
fun of the things that he was dying for. 



LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 

"Marched till my pack gained a hundred an 

fifty pounds" Frontispiece 

FAONG 
PAGE 

" Everybody had a beard on both sides of his face" 6 

"Beat the buttons off them with a big board" . lO 

" Everyone tucks there napkins under there chins " 14 
"They just ishued us overseers caps an rapped 

leggins" 18 

"Will have to lean them up agenst something" 20 

"Tyin it under your chin like a bib" .... 24 

"Mike Whozis, the Captins orderly" .... 30 

"Ive found the first real use for my tin derby" . 34 

"Another boiler blew up right in front of us" . 36 
"Lem Wattles what never had his name in the 

paper" 42 

"Were livin right up in the trenches now" . . 46 

"It doesnt look as if it had ever exploded" . . 52 
"There was the Lootenant boostin the Major out 

of the trench" 58 

"His helmet looked like a tin sunbonnet" , . 64 

"I stuck my head around the bush" .... 68 
"You ought to have seen those two Lootenants 

come down" j6 

" 'Do you happen to have any lemonade?' " . 89 
"Tried to make a blanket roll in six inches of 

mud" 86 



vi LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 



FACING 
PAGE 



"All I do is scratch, scratch, scratch" ... 90 
"The people here wear wooden shoes an have no 

shapes" 92 

"A German bed is like a loaf of bread thats rose 

to much" 96 

"They take ofF there hats to us" 100 

"Levels it off with a piece of bread" .... 104 

"They lined us all up" 108 

"That little snub nosed thing across the street". 114 

"Im goin to be just plain Mr. Bill Smith" . . 118 



"Same Old Bill, 
Eh Mable!" 



Dere Mable: 

Were in sunny France at last. I cant tell you 
much about it yet on account of its havin been so 
foggy since we got here. We didnt deboat in 
Paris as I was expectin. We sailed up a river 
to a town with a wall around it and got off there. 
I dont know what the wall was for unless to keep 
people in. They certinly wouldnt need one to 
keep anybody out of that place. Were now in 
what they call a rest camp. If this is restin then 
all they say about war is true. 

For the last tv^'o days weve been unpackin 
boats. You havnt any idear how refreshin it is 
to pile up about 5 milyon cases of corn Willie. 
Ive been puttin on weight ever since I got here 
but its all been on my back. 

Some of the fellos think they got us mixed up 
with one of these Steva Dora regiments. It dont 
seem to worry the Captin much. Theres no rea- 
son it should tho. All he has to do is to sit on a 



2 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

box an keep the quartermaster from gettin over- 
stocked on cigars. 

The day we got in they tied us out in the mid- 
dle of the river. They left us there so long that 
there was a roomer the war was over an we was 
goin to turn around an go home. When it comes 
to takin that trip right over agen I say on with 
the war. 

We lay around there so long I was beginnin to 
feel like the keeper of a light ship. Then they got 
into an awful hurry all of a sudden an piled 
pretty near the whole boat load onto one coal 
barge. Our Bilitin oficer met us at the dock. 
Hed been over here a month gettin things fixed 
up for us. From the way he acted youd think he 
was the fello that invented the war. 

After that we got out in the country and 
marched till my pack gained a hundred an fifty 
pounds an my tung was lyin on my chest. Joe 
said we needed a rest camp after a hike like that. 
When wed walked about six miles, or killen me- 
ters as they call them over here, we turned into a 
bare field. The Bilitin oficer said that was the 
camp. 

Just then it started to rain. The Captin told 
the Top to make us all comfortable. Then he 
remembered some business in town and went 
away before he had a chance to hear any first 
impreshuns about rest camps. The Bilitin oficer 
must have wore himself out findin us a nice place 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 3 

like this with only a month to do it in. Id like 
to see what hed turn out if he only had a couple 
of days. It rained all night. When I get home 
111 be able to put in a good night in the swimmin 
pool of a Turks bath. 

The next mornin we started in on intensive 
restin. We unpacked a whole boat out onto a 
dock. Then some General came along. I guess 
he thought we still looked a little peaked. He 
says "Just run that stuff into the shed across the 
tracks." The place he called a shed would have 
made a nice hanger for the New York Central 
stashun. 

They tell me now were not goin right up to 
the front. We got to go to school agen to learn 
something. If I had a diploma for every school 
I been to in the last year my room would look 
like a dentle parlor. 

The French seem glad to see us but they cant 
express themselves very well. They dont seem 
to talk the same kind of French the fello learned 
us in the Y. M. C, A. last winter. There all 
mixed up on there money too. About the only 
way a fello can buy anything is to hold out all 
hes got and let them take what they want. I 
guess theyll never overcharge me by takin all I 
can hold out. 

The whole sistem is based on the Sue, Mable. 
As near as I can make out a Sue aint worth any- 
thing. A hundred Sues make a Centimeter an a 



4 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

hundred Centimeters make a Frank. Five Franks 
make a dollar only now they dont. That gives 
you an idear how simple it is to go into a store 
an figger what you can buy with a quarter. 

I hear the battery comin back so I guess 111 
quit this and fall in on the tail of the colyum. It 
isnt that I wouldnt just as soon have them all 
know where Ive been, but it makes the Captin 
feel a lot better to have me there at formashuns. 
Yours if I survive the rest 

Bill 

Dere Mahle: 

If you ever have to do any travelin in France, 
walk. I dont suppose you ever took a five day 
trip in an open trolly. We traveled five days an 
all the time straight away from the front. First 
we thought we was goin to Italy but we must 
have passed that long ago. They finally landed 
us in a little town with about a hundred people, 
fifty cows an no pictur show. The more I see 
of this country the more patriotic I get. 

The train we came down on looked like one I 
had when I was a kid on tracks. You felt some- 
body ought to get out an wind the engine every 
time it stopped. Whenever we got to stashuns 
a lot of fellos in long coats would come out an 
blow whissels. Sometimes wed start but most of 
the time nothin happened. At last I found a job 
for the Top sargent when the war is over. 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE 



fM 



The cars are marked ist, 2nd an 3rd class. 
The difference Is that the wheels on the ist class 
has only got one flat side. The 2nd class has got 
two, an the 3rd class wheels are square. We 
ride in the 3rd class. Luckily the cars has only 
got four wheels. There so short you couldnt get 
any more under them if you wanted to. 

There freight cars are all Ford models to. On 
the doors they got painted "Hommes 40 Chevaux 
8." Thats French for 40 men an 8 horses. That 
struck me as funny till I figgered out that they 
probably pack five men between each horse sos 
they wont rattle round so much. 

Of course nobody could ever collect tickets on 
a train like this. So they got a saloon in every 
stashun insted of a ticket office. They make the 
road pay on those. The first time we stopped 
Angus got off an bought a bottle of Vinrooge 
wine. Thats a drink the French use. They must 
wash in it to cause I havnt seen any water since I 
been here. 

Marv Motel, one of the new fellos in the bat- 
tery, said if you could get two or three quarts of 
that under your belt it would act like a couple of 
bottles of beer an help you to sleep. So at the 
next stashun Angus got enui^ for three quarts 
apiece. 

The Vinrooge wine acted the way Marv said 
it would only he must have meant two cases of 
beer insted of two bottles. It put everybody to 



6 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

sleep like an anisthetic but Angus. He kept 
awake to finish what was left. The last I saw of 
him he was singin Skotch songs out the windo at 
the Engineer. One nice thing about these trains 
is the Top cant get at you between stashuns. 

You ought to have seen that bunch the next 
mornin. It would have been an awful encouragin 
site for the Kiser. Everybody had a beard on 
both sides of his face, inside an out an they wasnt 
talkin any more than was necessary to call some- 
body something. 

About noon they got us out at some stashun 
SOS the Captin could give us the devil for not 
keepin neat an clean. Nobody minded much 
cause he didnt look as tho hed spent the night in 
no dry cleaners himself. 

Well, Mable, we just sat there for three days 
an three nights. I began to think we must be go- 
in home by the overland root. The only reason 
we didnt murder nobody was because we didnt 
have room. Every once in a while wed stop at a 
stashun an some red cross nurses would bring 
around coffee. Only they wasnt red an they 
wasnt cross. Most of us was so glad to see a 
woman that we could say something to besides 
"Ah We" that we didnt menshun the coffee. Its 
funny what youll take from a woman when it 
would be death for a mess sargent. 

The Captin said wed have to stay in this town 
a week or two on account of the school were go- 



BiU Biec>? 




EVERYBODY HAD A BEARD ON BOTH SIDES OF HIS FACE 



8 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

in to bein full. The Bilitin oficer came down 
ahead as usual. This time he only had two days. 
After seein what he could do in a month we didnt 
expect much. We got it. Ten of us are roomin 
in a hay barn. The only good thing about it is 
that when your in bed the Top sargent cant tell 
wether your there or not without takin out all 
the hay. 

As soon as we got here I noticed something 
awful strong an it wasnt no geranium bed ether. 
Were getting used to it now. You can tell how 
rich a Frenchman is by the size of his manure pile. 
There so proud of them they set them right out- 
side there windos sos they can sit an watch them 
an never forget them. The bigger the pile the 
bigger man you are in your home town. All I 
can say is Im glad the people we live with is 
poor. Id hate to be bileted with the Mayor. 

I got to quit now. The sensor cuts out most of 
this anyway. They say he tears off half of every 
letter to lighten the mails. 

au reservoir as the French say 

Bill 

Dere Mahle: 

Id have rote you sooner only the sensor wont 
let me tell where I am an I couldnt think of noth- 
in else to say. This is the third letter Ive rote 
since we landed. Im a little worried about the 
other tvvo cause the Captin said we couldnt men- 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 9 

shun the names of no places. So I just addressed 
them to Mable Gimp, nothin else. 

In case you dont receive letters like that I wish 
youd let me know. Then I wont be expectin any 
answer. Ritin letters from here is like talkin to 
a fello over the fone that aint there. 

Im having a little trouble with the languige. 
Its tricky. A lot of these French words is the 
same as ours only they dont mean the same thing. 
Like "Pan" an "We" an "Mercy" an "Toot 
sweet." As soon as I find what the words stand 
for 111 be all right. 

Some of the fellos dont seem to get onto the 
idear of this thing at all. They think if they talk 
like they had an egg in there mouth an put in 
lots of zs its French. Take Joe Loomis for In- 
stance. He talks like a German thats lived with 
the French Canadians for a while. Hell go into 
a lunch room an say "Geeve me ze beef stak rar, 
mit ze on-yon." Then he gets sore when they 
put the wine list in front of him. 

It aint the wine list that makes him sore of 
course. He cant get over the xAmerican custom 
the of eatin with his meals. 

The first three days we was here we didnt have 
no guns nor horses or nothin. I thought perhaps 
the Captin would give us a chance to get over 
that rest camp, but he seems to have an idear tho 
that just so many of us has got to be killed in the 
war an the quicker he gets it over with the better. 



lo "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

So every day he walks us about ten killen meters 
with the sun hot enufif to boil eggs. 

The guns came yesterday. There painted up 
like a ten cent sunset. They call them Soizant 
Cans, whatever kind that is. They look pretty 
much in the bean blower class to me. One of 
those guns we left back in the States would take 
care of the four of them. But of course after pol- 
ishin those up last winter till I almost wore them 
out the Captin had to come off an forget them. 
I guess now were stuck with these. 

No horses came with the guns. I suppose we 
got to pull them around ourselves for the rest of 
the war. I can just here the Captin tellin Gen. 
Perishing, "No, no. General. My men havnt got 
a thing to do. Outside of a couple of single 
mounts for the oficers I wont need a horse." 

I wish your mother could see the wimmin wash 
close over here. She might get more enjoyment 
out of that lawndress of hers. There is a lot of 
summer houses down beside a creek behind the 
town. Every day they go down there an stand in 
a barrel right in the creek. First they take the 
close an drag them around the creek for a while. 
Then they lay them on a wooden block an beat 
the buttons off them with a big board. A button 
in a steam lawndry leads a life of quiet ease com- 
pared with these. 

After they get them hammered out flat they 
hang them on a barb wire fence. In the eve- 




BEAT THE BUTTONS OFF THEM WITH A BIG BOARD 



12 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

ning they take home anything the cows has left in 
an old wheelbarro. I guess by that time there 
dirty enuff to wash agen cause there always washin 
and you dont see no results. 

We spend all our time now drillin with those 
little guns. Of course there different from those 
we had in the States so everything we learned 
over there has to be forgot. As far as I can 
make out we might as well have learned basket 
weavin for all the good it did us. 

Well, Mable, have as good a time as you can 
at home. I know how tiresome those broken- 
winded fellos must be. Id go around with them 
tho once in a while in case they should ask you. 
Democratic. Thats me all over, Mable. Its the 
only thing your father an me has got in common. 
Besides it will make it seem all the better when I 
get home. 

Yours in spite of these things 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

I guess your last letter must have been sen- 
sored to death cause I never got it. I been over 
here three weeks now an the only letter I got 
was a bill for some flowers I sent you a year ago. 
That fello would make more money as a detective 
then a flowerist. I bet hed have found Charlie 
Ross if Charlied owed him any money. I expect 
to be sittin propped up agenst the wall some day. 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 13 

in the Old Soldiers Home an about six postmen 
will come staggerin in the gate with my mail. 
Keep on ritin tho. I can always turn it over to 
some historical society. 

Saturday an Sunday was the end of the week so 
the Captin let a few of us go in to a big town near 
here to take a bath. Hes always tryin to stick 
a little extra duty like that into a mans private 
time. 

Me an Angus an Marv Motel went down to- 
gether in a truck. I dont suppose you ever road 
in a truck with only two other fellos in it. I bet 
it goes farther up an down then straight ahead. 
Angus was all for seein the town as soon as we 
got there, that bein about the only thing that 
didnt involve spendin money. We compromized 
by seein the restawrants first. 

Its interesting to lissen to the French eat, they 
enjoy things so. Everyone tucks there napkins 
under there chins like your father used to before 
he had a hired girl insted of your mother. 

The French is awful optimistic eaters. By 
takin everything separate they can work them- 
selves into believin theyve had a course dinner.. 
If they had such a thing as oatmeal an cream I 
bet theyd make you eat the oatmeal first an 
drink the cream afterwards. 

Every time you look away you get a clean 
plate. All you need to start a restawrant in 
France is a thousand plates an a dozen eggs. The 



14 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

rest of the food doesnt matter much. About 
everything you ask for is "Defended." That 
seems to be the same as "Just out" in American. 
In most places its just a question of how long 
you can think of things to ask for before you end 
up with an omlet. The only place you can get 
real French cookin Mable is in the States. 

Theres a bunch of French soldiers in town. 
Most of them have beards an little bags hangin 
all over them. I wish theyd let us wear beards. 
You wouldnt have to go round with your collar 
buttoned all the time then. 

When I first got into town I thought it must 
be a holiday or something cause the saloons was 
overflowin right out on the sidewalks. Every- 
body was sittin round at little tables drinkin beer. 
I went in one tho an there wasnt a soul inside 
but flies. It ccrtinly is mixin. In one place a 
fello wont take a drink unless he can go behind 
a screen. Over here he wont have it anywhere 
but in the middle of the street. I can see your 
father sittin out on Main street in a wicker chair 
with a stein of beer in his hands. 

Well Mable at the rate Im not receivin mail I 
wont be able to tell wether its last winter or next 
winter that your talkin about when I finally get 
your letters. Im going to keep on ritin tho just 
to annoy the sensor. 

Yours in haste 

Bill 




EVERYONE TUCKS THERE NAPKINS UNDER THERE CHINS 



i6 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

Dere Mahle: 

In a training camp once more beglnin all over 
agen. If we had a school system like this in civil 
life a fello would never live to finish high school. 

Were not livin in stables any more. They got 
us now in long stone buildins with wood cots in 
them. I suppose somebody back at headquar- 
ters heard of soft pine an thought it would be a 
good thing for makin beds. I feel as full of 
bones as an old herrin. 

We didnt have to pull the guns over after all. 
They tied them on behind trucks. I was makin up 
a nice bed for myself in the back of a truck when 
the Captin stuck his head in. He certinly be- 
lieves in exercisin his neck. As soon as he saw 
I was comfortable he says "Smith, you ride on 
the end caisson an watch the brake." There was 
no use tellin him Id seen the darn thing every day 
for two weeks. He thinks he knows everything. 

Of course youve never ridden on a caisson tied 
behind a truck. You never went hitchin with a 
bob sled behind an express train in the middle 
of summer nether. It was just luck that the old 
thing happened to be under me every time I came 
down. Some times it would go crazy an run from 
one side of the road to the other like it was look- 
in for a chance to pass the truck. I dont know 
what would have happened if the rope hadnt 
busted. That caisson must have thought it was a 
tank. It turned right off the road, ran over a 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH ^L\BLEI" 17 

little ditch an tried to clime a tree. It didnt have 
the build tho an quit. 

The next thing I remember the Captin was say- 
In "Smith, what are you tryin to do with that 
caisson, smash it?" Just as if Id swiped the darn 
thing to go for a joy ride. 

Well, Mable, your letter came at last. From 
the looks of It they must have dragged the mail 
bag all the way. That certinly was interestin 
about that poor young fello Archie Wainwright. 
It must be awful to have a murmur in your heart 
when you want to go to war so bad. 

Tell him not to worry about missin the war 
cause when I get back 111 show him so much about 
It hell feel like a veteran In half an hour an his 
family will be hangin out a service flag. 

We just got ishued two new Lootenants inside 
of a week. Its gettin harder an harder to rite 
anything interestin that youll understand. For 
instance the first Lootenant was a 2nd and the 
second Lootenant was a ist. That shows you how 
tecknickle it all Is but of course Its over your head 
like a shower-bath. 

One of the Lootenants came over as a casulty 
oficer. He just came now from Sam Moores Col- 
lege of Artilery over here In France. They turn 
them out of there like Fords. If he knows as 
much as he admits he does I dont see why they 
bother to put a high priced feUo like Fosh In 
command for. 



i8 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEf ' 

Were bein learned mostly by French oiicers. 
There awful polite. I wish the Captin could hear 
them, Joe says he was made a gentleman by an 
act of Congress when they made him an oficer. 
Congress certinly has a lot of power in war time. 

In the army your not supposed to be able to 
use anything till you know how its made. You 
dont know how to put on a gas mask till you 
know whats in the tin box an who was the first 
fello to use it. You cant talk over a fone till your 
able to sit down an make one out of an old cigar 
box an a piece of balin wire. 

I never knew so little about so much in my life. 
You sit here all day an lissen to a fello tell you 
how if you multiply something by enuff other 
things you can hit a Fritz in the stummick three 
miles away. Everythings tricky about this gun. 
Insted of shootin where you want to hit like a 
man you look at a thermometer an a barometer, 
add em together an look up the result in a little 
pink almanak. That tells you where to shoot. I 
dont like this mystick stuff. Frank and strait- 
forward. Thats me all over, Mable. 

They just ishued us overseers caps an rapped 
leggins. Theres one good thing about these over- 
seers caps. You cant put them out of shape like 
the felt hats cause they never had any shape to 
begin with. I cant say much in favor of the 
rapped leggins tho for a fello that never had any 
experience with first aid or nothin. 




THEY JUST ISHUED US OVERSEERS CAPS AN RAPPED LEGGINS 



20 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEP' 

I cant see any sense tho In Ishuin close like a 
pictur puzzle. They might just as well ishue your 
coat an pants in seckshuns an let you hook em 
together every mornin. 

I got to quit now. I was left behind to clean 
out the barracks an I hear the battery comin in 
from drill so I got to hussle. Tell Archie to 
cheer up about the war. When I come home 
hell be wearin so many wound stripes hell be 
lookin like a zebra. 

Yours till Archie gets a service stripe 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

Theyve made me a door tender to a Soizant 
Cans. All Ive got to do is to open the door an 
another fello puts in the shell. Then I close the 
door an start the shell on its way with a piece of 
string. Its a pretty important job cause if I dont 
latch the door the whole works will probably 
come out the back entrance. 

Our horses came today. They must have 
thought this was a mobile vetrlnary hospittle in- 
sted of a battery. Whoever grooms those things 
will have to lean them up agenst something. I 
read somewhere how the average life of a horse 
in this war is only 60 days. Accordin to that 
this bunch has seen about seven weeks service al- 
ready. 

Every momin we go out to the range an shoot 




"will have to lean them up agenst something" 



22 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE 



ijj 



away liberty bonds. The good part about shootin 
into a desert like that is that theres nothin out 
there to hit so you can call it a bullseye no matter 
where you land. The oficers just walk around 
shakin hands an tellin each other what good shots 
they are. They sit up behind the guns in a place 
that looks like the press box of a baseball game. 
It has a nice roof an everything. When it rains 
they just pull their toes in sos the water wont drip 
offen the roof on them. Then they say "This is 
war. We cant stop for a little wet." Every time 
a fello fires they call it a problem. About the 
biggest problem is to figger what their firin at. 

In the afternoon we go to school. Yesterday 
a fello gave us a talk on the "Art of Handlin 
Men." Marv Motel says he knew him in New 
York. He used to be a rubber in a Turks bath 
on 42nd street. 

Theyve ishued green badges to the fellos that 
was down on the border. It looks like St. Pat- 
ricks day around here. Angus MacKenzie that 
wasnt there calls them horse exercise medals. 
The day I put mine on the French fello thats 
learnin us about telefones came up an shook hands 
with me. All the Frogs think somebody has 
sighted us for bravery. Its a good thing nobody 
knows enuff French to tell them about it. 

The French have a medal they call the Crawdy 
Gare. If you do something pretty good like sit- 
tin on a hand granade sos it wont go off an bother 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 23 

the Captin or fieldin a shell right over the kitchln 
they hang one of these on you. Then if you do 
somethin awful good like drivin a General fast 
past a place thats been shelled they let you wear 
a silver rubber plant on the ribbon. 

Were almost ready to go up to the front now. 
I guess they want to get us there before the 
horses 60 days is up to save funeral expenses. 
Just at the last minit they ishued us a lot of re- 
placement troops as If we didnt have enuff to 
carry. The governmint dont need to waste no 
tin derbies on that bunch. They certinly looked 
as if theyd been doln some hard fast travelin 
when they struck here. All they had was what 
was on them an that was mostly cooties. 

I aint allowed to tell you wether were goin to 
the front from here or not. I dont see why its 
such a secret tho cause were so far in the rear 
here that Its about the only way we could go. If 
you dont here from me for a long time I dont 
want you to worry cause I may not be killed but 
just badly wounded or taken prisoner or some- 
thing. Or there might be just a chance that it 
was because I was to busy to rite. This door ten- 
der job Is pretty Important. When they get to 
fightin I guess 111 have to be around most of the 
time. 

Yours till I leave the door unlatched 

Bill 



24 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

Dere Mahle: 

Were on our way to the front. I bet the Kiser 
an that funny lookin kid of his is gettin there pul- 
moters out. We traveled three days an two 
nights on the train an now we been hikin two 
nights more. I havnt heard a gun yet. I dont 
think the Captin knows where the front is. 
Theres a roomer around that we got off at the 
wrong stashun. I suppose now we got to walk 
half way across France just because that fello 
dont know how to read a time table. 

They landed us in a field outside of a town. 
Youd have thought we got off right in front of 
the Fritz trenches the way the oficers acted. The 
new Lootenant bawled everybody out for not 
wearin there gas masks at the alert. That means 
tyin it under your chin like a bib. 

We didnt lose much time unloadin. Nobody 
knew then but what the Fritzes might want to 
park a few Berthas right where we were. Then 
we just sat around in the rain and waited. After 
about an hour the Captin came splashin down the 
road an says "Harness an hitch. Come on. 
Hurry up." He always gives an order as tho hed 
given It an hour before an nobodied paid any at- 
tenshun to him. It didnt sound reasonable to me 
cause it was gettin dark then an it would be time 
to turn In before we could get any place. Bein 
a cannon ear tho an not havin anything to do with 

U B 1 




0B2 



TYIN IT UNDER YOUR CHIN LIKE A BIB" 



26 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

the horses I didnt say anything. Willln. Thats 
me all over, Mable. 

After wed got hitched up we stood around for 
an hour more blottin up rain. The Captln just 
leaned agenst his horse smokin a cigar as thp 
that was the best place in the world to spend the 
evenin. Hes got one of these Drench coats so 
it doesnt make any difference to him if every- 
body else dissolved. Just as it was gettin dark 
a fello came up on a motor cycle an gave him some 
mail. Then we started. It made the fellos awful 
sore cause they say thats all he was waitin for. 
I thought of course the Bilitin oficer had found 
some place that was worse down the road an was 
takin us there for the nite. But we just marched 
an marched till everybody could see that the Cap- 
tin didnt know where he was goin. 

We couldnt light a light or scratch matches or 
nothin. The Captin said a lot of Dutch airy- 
planes was out to get us an as soon as we struck 
a light theyd drop bums on us. Then he passed 
the word back that nobody was to talk above a 
whisper. The old guns rattle so you couldnt 
hear anybody unless he yelled anyway. The Cap- 
tin means all right but he read to much cheap 
literachoor when he was a kid. 

Every few minits a string of trucks would go 
tearin by in the other direcshun. None of them 
had any lights. Its lucky they didnt cause if they 
could have ever seen how near they came to not 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 27 

missin us they could never have got there hair to 
lie down agen. When we were in camp back in 
the States you dasnt go over ten miles an hour 
for fear somebody would fall down in front of 
you and get run over. When you get over here 
tho the idear seems to be to make the war as dan- 
gerous as you can. 

After a while I undid a couple of blanket rolls 
that didnt seem to belong to anyone an I was just 
gettin as comfortable as a fello can on top of a 
caisson in the pourin rain. I was dozin off when 
I heard someone say "Whos that ridin on that 
carriage?" There was only one person could ask 
a question like that. Right away I started to 
make myself uncomfortable cause I knew thats 
probably what the trouble was. Then he rode 
up an says "Is that you Smith? Didnt you hear 
me order nobody to ride on any of the carriages?" 
Theres no use arguin with the Captin. Its just 
a case of "All right. Have it my way." 

They go to all the trouble of bildin a seat on 
these wagons. They spend a year teachin you to 
sit on it in the most uncomfortable way. Then 
when the frrst possible reason for usin them comes 
along they make everybody get off an walk. I 
spent the rest of the nite kickin mud puddles off 
the road. 

About dawn we pulled off the road into an or- 
chard an put some branches over the guns to cover 
up the camooflage paint. I thought after bein up 



28 ^'SAiME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

all nite on account of his foolishness the Captin 
would at least take pity on the horses an let them 
alone. That would have given us some chance 
to sleep. Nothin would do tho but that we spend 
about half the day smoothin them out. He says 
it makes them feel good. Of course the way we 
feel hasnt got nothin to do with it. 

After wed scoured the horses till they must 
have been sorer than we were they gave us some 
monkey meat an let us turn in. Back to the hay 
barns agen. That Bilitin oficer ought to make 
good on some board of health when we get home. 
He can pick out all the worst places in a town ten 
minites after he gets there. 

Sleepin in the daytime is a kind of a joke any- 
way in the army. Every time you get to sleep the 
horses has to be fed. And when your not feedin 
them you got to get up an feed yourself. In the 
army a fellos hungry when they tell him to eat an 
no other time. 

After theyd blown a horn at me about eight dif- 
ferent times I figgered I might as well stay up an 
rite you a letter. Now that were gettin up near 
the front Im goin to rite just as much as I can. 
Thats partly sos you wont worry an partly so that 
if I get knocked off you will have something to 
amuse you in case you go Into a convent. 

I had to leave all those sweters an caps an 
everything that you nitted me last winter. You 
dont need to feel bad about that tho cause they 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH ^L\BLEI" 29 

wouldnt let us wear them anyway. If everybody 
wore all the stuff thats been nitted for them since 
the war started this would look more like an 
ice carnival than an army. Its sentiment that 
counts, the, not wool. 

In the meantime still 

Bill 

Dere Mahle: 

After travelin for three nites we dont seem to 
be any nearer the front than we ever was. Ether 
the Fritzes are retreatin in trucks or were goin 
the wrong way. The only reason were not march- 
in tonite is because when we got into this town 
the Captin found a chatto for his P. C. P. C. is 
military, Mable. It means a place for the Cap- 
tin, Mike Whozis, the Captins orderly, says hes 
got one of those limosine beds with a roof an 
sides on it. Its so big it dont make any difference 
how you lie on it. If all he says about it is true 
we may stick around for the rest of the war. 

Well, never mind. Sailor Gare as the French 
say. Thats some old pirate they blame every- 
thing on over here. 

A bunch of prisoners came in last nite. They 
must have surrounded half the German army 
cause it looked like a decorashun day parade when 
the M.P. brought them in. If they make another 
hawl like that well have about as much to fire at 
up at the front as we did back on the range. Id 



30 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

never seen any Fritzes so Angus an I went down 
to the pen this afternoon to see If they were 
breakin the child labor law or had any wimmin 
with machine guns tied to them like you read 
about. 

The pen is just a bunch of barracks not much 
better than the place where we sleep. They got 
a lot of barb' wire an an M. P. around it. The 
Fritzes didnt look very wild to me. More like a 
bunch of stashun porters out of a job. We tried 
to argu the M. P. into lettin a few of them go at 
a time sos we could catch them agen but he took 
the war awful serious. 

I got in wrong with the Captin agen today. 
This army is something like gamblin. Which- 
ever way you decide your bound to lose sooner or 
later. Youd think that the only reason a fello 
would give you food was because he expected you 
to eat it. Thats because you dont know the army. 
The other day they ishued each fello what they 
called Irun Rashuns. That means a can of petri- 
fied crackers an a can of gold fish. Its not a bad 
name for the crackers. Your supposed to tote 
around your Irun Rashuns with you wherever you 
go. The only thing is that you mustnt eat them. 

When they handed them out the Captin said 
we wasnt ever to eat them unless we absolutely 
had to. As if anybody in his right mind would. 
Im all for obeyin orders tho when it dont conflict 
with my duty. Joe Balderose ate his half an hour 



'i \ y^^^ \ \ 




M\ \ 




\ \ f^^ 


-^ 


k 

\ 

Ik 


BiLlX BrrecV^ 



MIKE VVHOZIS, THE CAPTINS ORDERLY 



32 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

after breakfast and then wanted me to split with 
him on mine. I says "No. Not till I absolutely 
have to. An then 111 be so far gone that you wont 
have a look in." I waited till hap past ten tho I 
was gettin awful weak the last half hour. Youd 
ought to have heard the Captin when he saw me. 
Youd have thought I was eatin some of his old 
harness. 

As far as I can see, Mable, its just another of 
his ways of passin the buck. If General Perish- 
ing should happen to find one of us starved to 
death some mornin he wants to be able to show 
him we had plenty of food on us when we slipped 
away. Hes smart all right, that fello. 

You cant tell what may happen before I have 
a chance to rite agen but we wont cross any 
bridges before we leap as the poets say. 

Yours to the last crum 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

Were on the front at last in what they call a 
quiet sector. Most of the soldiers round this 
place is French. I understand there pretty sore 
at the Americans cause some of them came up 
here and began shootin up the Germans. Of 
course you cant have a decent war if nobodies 
goin to pay any atenshun to the rules. 

The worst part of the war is gettin to it. I 
been rained on so much the last week I feel like 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 33 

an old sponge. Every nite weve been marchin 
along thru the pitch dark with trucks an guns an 
everything else that rattles poundin along on each 
side. 

Nobody could strike a light durin the whole 
trip. Then when we get to this place the French- 
men that we were goin to relieve came out in the 
road with lanterns to see who we were. Its a 
wonder the Captin didnt make us crawl up on 
our hands an knees. 

We finally got the guns in posishun. How we 
found the place in the dark is more than I can 
tell. Were in the middle of a ruined village. It 
looks like those picturs of old Greek office build- 
ins that hangs in the high school hall. Its funny, 
Mable, but the first real rest Ive had since I got 
in the army is since Ive got to the front. The 
only livin thing we see is rats an airyplanes. The 
archies shoot all day at the planes but it dont seem 
to bother them much. They just sail along like a 
limosine with a lot of little dogs tryin to bite off 
the tires. I guess if they ever hit one the shock 
would kill the gun crew as quick as it would the 
pilot. 

Our guns is pointed at a hill right in front of us. 
Every mornin we fire a few shots at this an then 
spend the rest of the day cleanin the guns. If 
they used these guns as much as they clean them 
the war would have been over long ago. Toward 
evenin the Fritzes return the complement. Ev- 



34 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

erybody comes out to see where they land but 
they must fire them up in the air cause nobodies 
ever been able to find out yet. When your not 
cleanin the gun or on gard you have to stay down 
in your dugout sos the airyplanes wont see you. 
Theyve got to be awful quick if they want to get 
a sight of me. Ive got the deepest dugout except 
for the Captin. When the Top sargent wants a 
detail you can bet hes not goin to clime down 
fifty steps after one Buck private. 

Ive found the first real use for my tin derby. 
The fello that invented these dugouts couldnt 
seem to decide wether to put in stairs or a ladder 
so he split the difference. Right across the top 
of the entrance he put a nice sharp beam. Its 
fixed so that it gets you in the chin goin down an 
on the top of the head comin up. Hed have split 
more than the difference long ago if it hadnt been 
for that tin derby of mine. 

Marv Motel, whats gunner on my piece, is 
busy all day fixin things up. He says if were goin 
to be here the rest of our lives we mights well 
have things homelike. He dug up an old rug an 
a lace curtin somewhere that the Germans had 
missed. The rug hes got in the gun pit an the 
curtin over the trail of the gun to set the barrage 
shell on. They keep a shell ready all the time 
in case somebody starts a battle without the usual 
weeks notice. Marvs got it shined up like a 
young doctors door plate. Every nite he raps 




'iVE FOUND THE FIRST REAL USE FOi<. MY TIN DERBY 



36 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

it up an put an old one in its place. Angus says 
when he gets time hes goin to carve the names 
of the gun crew on the side sos we can take It 
back an give it to some museum. 

Well, Mable, you might as well take down your 
service flag. I guess the only action 111 ever see 
is when I get home an meet Archie Wainwright. 
Yours till theres something doin 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

Well, you can take your service flag out of 
moth balls agen. An if the Fritzes try any more 
monkey bisiness like they did this mornin you can 
buy a can of radiator paint for the star. 

Angus an I was standin outside the dugout fin- 
ishin our mornin goldfish an plannin a few correk- 
shuns for the army when a boiler exploshun hap- 
pened right behind us. After things had quieted 
down a bit I looked out from behind a piece of 
old stone wall where I seemed to be lyin, to see if 
there was anything left for identificashun. I saw 
a foot layin outside the dugout. I knew it be- 
longed to Angus cause hes the only man in the 
army with one like it. I was just goin to pick it 
up thinkin his family might like it to remember 
him by when another foot came out. Then the 
whole of him. Hed crawled under an old pawlin 
that had been spread out to dry. This war cer- 
tinly has proved that fish aint a brain food. Out- 




'another boiler blew up right in front of us 



38 ''SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

side of bein a little mussed up from a mud pub- 
die bed found under the pawlin he seemed all 
right. When I ast him if he was lookin for any- 
thing, tho, he got all worked up. The Skotch is 
awful emoshunal. 

While we was standin there wonderin wether 
somebodied been smokin in bed in the amunishun 
dug out another boiler blew up right in front of 
us. At least I think it was in front as near as I 
could tell from the bottom of the dug out stairs. 
Angus saved my life that time cause we both hap- 
pened to go down the stairs together an I went 
down on top of Angus. 

Marv Motel was asleep down in the dug out. 
He got awful sore an wanted to know how a fello 
was ever goin to get any rest with a bunch of this 
an that fools rough housin around all day. Then 
came two more black hand awtrocities. Angus 
swears the second one rocked the dug out so his 
mess kit slid right offen the table. Things quieted 
down after that so we went out finally to see if 
we could pick up any soovenirs out of the wreck. 

Well, Mable, Id have bet anybodies money 
before I went out that none of those shots had 
lit more than ten feet away. It took us half an 
hour tho before we could locate all the holes. 
When we did they was all about a hundred yards 
away. The funny part about it was that there 
was one in front and back an one on each side 
of the battery. 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 39 

The Captin came out of his dug-out while we 
was lookin at them. I guess hed been down there 
doin some deep thinkin. He looked them over 
like he was Shylock Homes or somebody. Then 
he said that was an old Fritz trick to put a shot 
on all four sides of a battery. Some day when 
he had lots of amunishun hed split the diference. 
All I can say is that when he starts splittin Im 
goin to set a new rekord down these dug out 
stairs wether Angus is there to ride on or not. 

Nothins happened since so weve all been hopin 
that those was just four old shots that the Ger- 
mans wanted to get rid of. A truck came in last 
nite with a lot of bread an a quarter of a cow 
done up in burlap like summer furniture so every- 
bodies forgot the war in favor of a roast beef 
dinner. 

It certinly is goin to make me laugh, Mable, 
if I should ever get home an see those sines about 
bread all done up in tishue paper what aint never 
touched human hands since the fello that rapped 
it up. Over here they handle bread like coal only 
a little rougher not havin any shoots an things. 

Our bread comes in round loaves like the 
French. Its handier to carry an dont bust so 
easy when it hits things. Ive seen the doboys 
bore a hole in the middle and sling a loaf over 
there shoulder with a piece of string like a pair 
of feel glasses. I suppose theyll be gettin out 



40 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

an order pretty soon about which side your to 
wear your bread on. 

After all Ive eat tho I aint dead yet. Of course 
thats no permanent health certifikate. 

I started this letter early this mornin. Now its 
almost nite agen. A fello never can get any 
work done without gettin interupted in the army. 
I got to quit now cause I was supposed to relieve 
Marv Motel on gard half an hour ago sos he 
could get his supper. I guess he wont mind when 
he finds out weve gone back to gold fish agen. 
yours till they split the diference 

Bill 

Dere Mahle: 

We fooled the Fritzes by pullin out of that 
last place before theyd had a chance to split the 
diference. We came back to this little town for 
what they call a rest. That word "rest" dont mean 
the same thing as the one we use. For instance 
when an oficer comes into the room everybodys 
supposed to jump up like theyd been sittin on a 
tack. Then he says "Rest." Youd naturally 
think he meant lie down an take it easy for an 
hour or so. All he means is that you dont have 
to stand like a windo dummie. 

An then agen when your standin in line an 
somebody says "Parade rest." Insted of lyin 
down in the grass somewhere an takin a smoke 
you grab hold of your thums an stick one foot 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 41 

in front of the other like those old fotografs of 
your grandfather in the album. 

The worst kind of rest tho is when you get 
back in a place like this. That means eight hours 
a day scrubbin guns an drillin an smoothin out 
horses. If that doesnt seem to set you on your 
feet you stand gard all nite. 

The Bilitin oficer likes this place. Hes got my 
gun squad in a barn with half the roof shot off 
an the other half awful undecided. It isnt the 
part thats gone we mind so much as the part 
thats left. Id hate to come all this way just to 
interfere with a brick. Everybody wears there 
tin derby to bed at nite. 

Payday came along this mornin. In the after- 
noon a couple of doboys came along that had 
just been paid to. Me an Angus took them on 
for a friendly game right off the Main street. It 
was rainin an the wind was blowin cats an dogs 
but we had most of the doboys money an they 
didnt seem to want to go till we had it all so 
nobody minded the wether much. i\ngus had 
just passed six times an about all the money we 
had was bet when there was a swish like a punc- 
tured tire an everything seemed to blow up all 
around. 

There is times in this world when you dont 
stop to figger what nobody owes you. When I 
looked up agen I could see where it had lit in an 
old wreck across the street. The next thing I 



42 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

noticed was that the doboys an all the money 
was gone. We never did find out wether they 
was blown up or skipped. 

Were goin to move out of here now in a day 
or two. The Captin says were goin to a more 
active sector. 

Yours till you read it in the papers 

Bill 

Dere Mahle: ^ 

Were in a new posishun. That sounds like 
those vawdevel fellos that paint themselves gold 
an stand on one leg or a hired girl. It aint 
nothin like that tho. In the army a posishun is 
anywhere your guns happen to be. Just now ours 
is in a woods an a couple of feet of mud. 

The horses is showin wear to. If theyd done 
half the work I have theyd be wearin a tin jacket 
labeled corn Willie long ago. Most of them is 
so thin you could hang your hat on there hips an 
there ribs would make a good letter file. 

Every horse has got a gas mask tied under 
his chin. They think there nose bags an pretty 
near break there necks tryin to get at them. Ive 
showed my horse his mask open an everything. 
He doesnt seem to catch on tho. Thats the 
trouble with these French horses. You cant make 
them understand. 

The Captin sent me back in the woods on a 
little undertakin job today. Lem Wattles horse 




LEM WATTLES WHAT NEVER HAD HIS NAME IN THE PAPER 



I>> 



44 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI 

had succeeded in dyin after bein at it for two 
weeks. It was the only thing he ever put any 
effort in. Just to look at him you wouldnt see 
what took him so long. That horse just couldnt 
do anything quick tho. It seems Im always bury- 
in horses. There so darn contrary theyll dra^ 
themselves for miles just to die at my feet. 

We was sittin on the corps restin a while before 
we started to work when we heard one of those 
high powered wash boilers go off back by the 
guns. A minit later another landed. We post- 
poned the funeral an went back to collect the iden- 
tificashun tags. One shell had lit right behind my 
gun an thrown mud all over it. The other had 
planted itself in a field just outside the woods. 

Now we got to pull out of here tonite an go 
somewhere else like a fello tryin to sleep on a 
park bench. 

A lot of the fellos families is givin there letters 
to the newspapers. Sometimes they print there 
picturs with them. Lem Wattles what never had 
his name in the paper before except when he 
used to get arrested, showed me a piece about 
two feet long with his face on top. Of course 
none of the things he rote about ever happened. 
He was back at trainin camp when he rote them. 
Lem will fight if you call him a liar tho. 

I dont mean this as a hint to you to give my 
letters to the papers cause Im tryin to avoid 
publicity. 



'SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 45 

Im goin to turn in now a fighter cant get to 
much sleep. Besides I was on gard last nite 
an my brains seem to be dead today. 

as always modist 

Bill 

Dere Mahle: 

I got a new job. Im an artilery runner with 
the infantry. Dont get the idear Im on some 
kind of a track team cause theres one thing a 
runner dont do an thats run. Im not sure yet 
what the jobs all about myself. I dont seem to 
be in the artilery any more an Im not in the 
doboys. Mugwump. Thats me all over, Mable. 

As far as I can make out the artilery send an 
oficer up to live with the infantry an keep the 
doboy majors mind off the war. He plays stud 
poker with him an explains that those shells were 
Fritzes and not ours that busted all over his 
prize company the other day. They dont believe 
each other cause nether of them thinks the other 
fello knows what hes talkin about so they get 
along pretty good. 

The artilery oficer has two runners with him 
in case he wants a clean shirt or something from 
the battery. Me an Joe Mink just lie around 
and wait for something to happen. Nothin ever 
happens tho so we just lie around an wait. 

Were livin right up in the trenches now, Mable. 
Right down in them would be more like it. This 



46 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

idear of comin into the war last certlnly has ad- 
vantages. Every time I look at all these trenches 
an holes I feel sorry for the poor fello what had 
to dig them. Whoever laid em out didnt seem 
to have much idear of where he wanted to go. 
Most of them wander around awhile an come 
back to where they started. All of them are as 
crooked as a plummers assistant. If anyone asks 
you where a place is around here your safe in 
sayin right around the corner. 

Everywhere you step theres a foot of mud an 
water. If there wasnt so many corners you could 
get around better in a canoo. They got sidewalks 
in most of the trenches they call duck boards. A 
duck board is a lot of little slats nailed across a 
couple of wooden rails. The way there laid it 
looks as tho somebody had walked along the top 
of the trench an dropped the seckshuns in. Some 
is upside down, some lap over each other, some 
is leanin agenst the sides of the trench an in the 
deep places some isnt there at all. Joe Mink 
says it keeps a fello on his toes. 

Every four or five feet they leave out half a 
dozen slats. If you dont break your neck in one 
of these places they get the corners banked the 
wrong way so youll slide off an get drownd. If 
they miss you on the straitaway theyll get you on 
the turns. 

The Lootenant sleeps with a couple of doboy 
oficers in a sekshun of engine boiler set in the side 




"were livin right up in the trenches now 



48 'SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

of the trench. I sleep down in a place that looks 
like an old mine. About the only way you could 
get a shell into the thing would be to lower it 
down with a rope. Its the best billet Ive struck 
up here tho. Theres no windos for fresh air 
feends to be monkeyin with all the time, an of 
course there aint no light to shine in your face 
when your tryin to sleep. The only trouble is 
theres seven fellos sleepin there an only five bunks 
so we got to take turns sleepin. The floor is to 
muddy. 

That is to say, Mable, seven fellos an two 
hundred rats. I never used to take much stock 
in those rat stories but I certinly take off my hat 
to them now. Thats about all you can take off 
unless you want to get eaten. These fellos will 
eat anything from the hobnails out of your shoes 
to a bag of Bull. They make a goat look like a 
dispeptik. You dont notice them while the candles 
are lit an your movin around. As soon as you 
blow out the light an lie still, tho, you can hear 
them comin out all over to have dinner off your 
equipment. 

They have what they call a runners bench out- 
side the tin house where the Lootenant sleeps. 
Joe an I is supposed to take turns sittin there. 
Its something like the bell hops bench in a hotel 
only this is an active front. You wont get that 
for a minit, Mable. All you can here when your 
sittin out there a fello inside saying "Hello. 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 49 

Pancake. Get off the wire Peggy. I want Pan- 
cake. Pancake busy? Give me Pauline. Is that 
you Purgatory? This is Pineapple speakin." 

After Id llssened to that for about half an hour 
I felt like the gate gard of a bug house. I got 
hold of the Lootenant in a friendly way an told 
him Id go halves on my bunk with him cause I 
didn't think it was safe to sleep with that fello. 
He might think he was a crum some night an try 
to choke somebody. The Lootenant said that was 
just a way they had of telefonin up here. He 
said you never could tell when a German might 
be lyin up on the roof or under a bunk lissenin 
to you. On account of that nobody called any- 
body else by there right name. For instance he 
said they called the General Pancake an the Col- 
onel Peggy an this place was called Pineapple. 

The more I thought about it the more it sound- 
ed like a good sensible idear to me. I went in 
an told the Lootenant that unless he had some- 
thing better I thought Id call him Prune juice 
from then on. He said Id guessed wrong unless 
I wanted to act as a stone crusher on a road gang. 
The trouble with most of these fellos is there to 
stuck up to play the game. Its all right to call 
a General Pancake or a Colonel Peggy but you 
want to watch out what you call a 2nd Lootenant. 

Well Mable, if what they say is true the do- 
boys will be goin over pretty soon. The Looten- 
ant says were goin with em. Its about as good 



50 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

a chance to pick up a few first hand soovenirs as 
a fello could want. In case anything happens like 
my gettin killed or such dont bother about goln 
into mornin or buyin a lot of new letter paper. 
Just give them that pictur of me standin in front 
of the American flag. An when the reporters call 
for details remember the skies the limit. 

yours until the Fritzes get me 

Bill 



Dere Mable: 

Its nobodies fault but the Fritzes that you aint 
gettin an extinguished service medal insted of 
this letter. A couple of mornlns after I rote you 
last Joe woke me up an said they were puttin on 
a battle upstairs. From the way they were shoot- 
in things up he thought they ought to be down in 
the dug-out in a little while, Joes the kind of a 
fello that gets you up an hour before theres any 
need for it. I told him to call me when he heard 
them at the top of the stairs. Practical. Thats 
me all over, Mable. Then I turned over to get 
some sleep. 

Then the Lootenant came runnin down cussin 
an swearin because the fone was busted. He told 
us wed have to go back to the battery an tell em 
to snap out of it an show the Fritzes that it took 
two to make an argument. From where we was 
the Fritzes seemed to be puttin up a pretty good 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 51 

argument all alone an most of it seemed to be 
goln In the direckshun of the battery. But Joe 
says Sailor Gare so we started off down the road. 
There was plenty of noise out there. It was awful 
foggy but you could see the red flashes once in a 
while when one of them lit in a field near the road. 

Every time one busted Joe would duck into a 
ditch. He had me doin it pretty soon. The more 
we ducked the more we couldnt help it till we 
was goin down the road like a couple of Rushin 
dancers. Then we broke all the rules of the 
runners union an ran. 

We didnt have no trouble findin the Captin 
cause we knew just where to look. Just as we 
started to go down in his dug-out we heard a big 
one comin and both landed together at the bot- 
tom. After a fellos face gets broken in to goin 
down stairs that way its the easiest way. The 
Captin was awful sore. He wanted to know what 
the this an that we meant by comin in without 
knockin. That fello would want you to salute 
if you had both arms shot off. I didnt say nothin. 
Just gave him the Lootenants message. 

That seemed to make him madder still. He 
pushed the papers around on his desk an said 
didnt that one thing an another Lootenant know 
he couldnt get fire without orders from regimental 
headquarters. An didnt he know that regimental 
headquarters couldnt give any order till they was 
asked for it by doboy headquarters. An why the 



52 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

this an that didnt we go to the doboys if we 
wanted some fire. 

Id like to have told him where to go to get 
some fire. I just saluted tho, an said "Yes sir." 
Spirited. Thats me all over, Mable. Then we 
went back to pass the buck to the Lootenant. The 
doboy oficers was all sittin around tellin him how 
good the Inglish artilery was. A couple of hours 
later when Joe an I was havin breakfast we heard 
the battery fire about twenty shots. The doboys 
said it was lucky we didnt fire any more cause 
they was probably all shorts anyway. That dont 
mean that they were a different size or anything, 
Mable. A short is a shell that hasnt got the 
ambishun. 

I went up to an artilery observashun post with 
the Lootenant the other day. Only it isnt a post 
but a round tin house like a ticket office set in the 
trenches on top of a hill. Theres a slit cut in the 
front to look thru. The Lootenant showed me 
where Nobodies land was. I could see the Fritz 
trenches runnin in front of a piece of woods about 
half a mile away. They must have all been away 
on a furlo or something cause there wasnt as 
much as a fly sittin over there. 

This is a great place for soovenirs. I got a 
lot of buttons, a piece of shell, a couple of bones 
I found stickin out of the trench an a Fritz hand 
grenade. As soon as I can find a box Im goin 
to send you the whole bunch. I wouldnt monkey 




IT DOESNT LOOK AS IF IT HAD EVER EXPLODED 



54 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

with the hand grenade much. It doesnt look as 
If it had ever exploded. Give it to Archie Wain- 
wright an tell him its a trench warmer. Maybe 
hell stick it in the fire. 

In the afternoon when things is quiet an every- 
bodies asleep we go out an throw hand grenades 
at the rats. Thats good sport cause you got to be 
quick or youU get your self insted of a rat. Joe 
Mink had to spoil it of course by blowin in dug 
outs. Hed have been all right if hed picked old 
dug outs but he wasnt satisfied till hed found one 
with a fello comin up the stairs. I dont see yet 
tho why there was such a holler raised. The old 
thing didnt go off. It just caught the fello in the 
stummick an knocked some wind out. He blacked 
Joes eyes an then went to the Major. Joes back 
in the eschelon now groomin horses. Angus Mac- 
Kenzie has come up in his place so Im just as 
satisfied. 

I guess were goin across pretty soon now. Then 
111 be able to get a helmet an a looger pistel an a 
pair of feel glasses. I guess the Fritzes are gettin 
scared. I hope there not as scared as I am. 

yours indefinitely 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

Since I rote you last I been over the top with 
the doboys, taken a woods that I cant see why 
anybody wanted, an collected enuff soovenirs to 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI'' S5 

equip a South American army. Im ritin this 
from a Fritz dug-out in the middle of the woods 
on Fritz oficers paper. If Id telefoned ahed he 
couldnt have had things fixed up better for me. 
There was a lunch out on the table an blankets 
an even clean underdose (if youll excuse my men- 
shuning them). They used to have electric lights 
here but somebody soovenired the dinamo so they 
wont work. 

The nite before we went over four more ar- 
tilery runners came up. I ast the Lootenant if 
they was plannin to send any doboys over to help 
us in the attack. He said there had to be a lot 
of runners sos that when two went back with a 
message an got killed he could send two more. 
Always cheery an bright, the Lootenant. 

The nite before the attack we went up to a 
tunnel thats dug right under a hill an has got 
rooms in it an everything. Those fellos didnt 
seem to care how many shovels they wore out. 
We got into it down a long flight of steps in the 
pitch dark where I like to have broke my neck. 
Then down a long passage feelin your way along 
the road. Every four or five feet somebody 
would run into you an cuss you. 

At last we came round a bend an there was all 
the doboys sittin in the mud eatin supper an 
smokin. The only lights they had was pieces of 
candle stuck up on there equipment. It looked 
like the whole army was in that tunnel an all 



56 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

smokin at the same time. The Lootenant told us 
to make ourselves comfortable then he disap- 
peared into one of the rooms off to the side. 

About ten o'clock all the doboys got up an 
went out. Then we sat in the mud and waited 
for three hours. Angus found some duck boards 
and went to sleep. 

Some time after midnite a lot of oficers came 
out of the room. We walked thru the tunnel so 
far that I figgered that we must be comin out 
somewhere behind the German lines. At last we 
climed a flight of stairs an there we were right out 
doors. Id expected thered be an awful battle 
goin on by that time but everything was as quiet 
as church except for a tew big ones that would 
sail over every once in a while. The stars were 
all out just like it was an ordinary nite. We 
walked along a lot of paths an fell over a lot 
of old barb wire, then dropped into a trench. It 
struck me that was the time to go across while 
things were quiet. But I heard the doboy Major 
say that there was only four more hours to wait. 
These fellos are worse than your family for gettin 
to places on time. 

Everything was quiet for a long time. Then 
all of a sudden all the guns in the world began 
bangin away at the same minit. Over the top of 
the hill behind us an as far as you could see 
ether way it was just one big flash. Then the 
shells began racin over, squealin an whisselin an 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEl" 57 

rumblin along like they was racm each other to 
see who was goin to get first crack at the Fritzes. 

Every one of them seemed to have Its own 
speshul whissel tied onto it. Some of them rum- 
bled along like a fast train hittin a down grade. 
Some would just sing an hum to themselves sort 
of quiet an happy while others would go yellin 
an screamin across like the fire department on an 
exhibishun run. There was one bunch that 
squealed like a trolly goin round a turn on dry 
rails. You sort of felt as if someone ought to 
grease it. 

Besides all these noises over our heads there 
was the poundin an hammerin behind us from the 
guns themselves. The big fellos just boom 
boomed away like a bunch of base drums. Up 
nearer tho it was like a mountin of giant fire 
crackers goin off together. Then thered be a let 
up for a second like a fello thats awful mad but 
runs out of words. After that theyd go at it 
agen harder than ever. 

The best part of It was that most of them was 
our own shells. The Fritzes didnt seem to get 
Into the spirit of the thing at all. Every few min- 
utes theyd sail over a big one right near the tunnel 
where we came out. That was about as safe a 
place as he could have put em cause there wasnt 
anybody there. 

At first the noise an everything gave a fello 
something to think about. After a while tho you 

OB 3 



58 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE 



|M 



got used to It just like you do to Niagra Falls or 
a steam radiator. Then there wasnt anything to 
do but get cold an ask about the time. A couple 
of doboys got tellin each other what kind of a 
dinner theyd order if they was some place where 
they wasnt. Whenever you get uncomfortable 
enuff a couple of fellos like that always show up. 
I slid down in the bottom of the trench where it 
was a little warmer an tried to smoke a cigaret 
under my hand. I must have dropped off to 
sleep cause the next thing I knew I was all doubled 
up in the bottom of the trench an half froze, I 
heard somebody say "Fifteen minites more." The 
guns was goin it harder than ever. If we hadnt 
won that scrap wed have had to knock off the 
war for a couple of months till they got some 
more amunishun. 

Goin over wasnt much. Id read so many things 
about how you felt just before an just when an 
just after that I tried to figger just how I did 
feel. I was so cold I couldnt feel anything tho. 
I was thinkin about this when somebody says 
"Snap out of it ahead there. There goin." An 
there was the Lootenant boostin the Major out of 
the trench an a lot of doboys with their rifles in 
there hands hurryin along the top an disappearin 
in the fog. 

Just as we got out of the trench the worst 
noise started I ever heard. It made all the shootin 
that went before sound like a fello drummin on 




'there was the lootenant boostin the major out of the trench" 



6o "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

the table with a couple of knives. Even the 
machine guns was in it this time. They sounded 
like a rivitin competishun in a ship yard. I heard 
somebody say "There goes our machine gun bar- 
rage. I hope they get it over our heads." He 
struck me as a pretty sensible fello. 

Somebody had marked the place up with tape 
like a tennis court. We followed along one of 
these till we came to another tape runnin the same 
way as the trenches. There was a lot of doboys 
lyin down there an a lot of others comin up thru 
the fog, half runnin, half walkin an all of them 
stooped over like they was carryin something 
heavy. 

In front it was just fog. We could see red 
flashes runnin thru it like bubbles in boilin water 
where the shells from our barrage was bustin. 
The fog didnt go very high cause you could make 
out a little blue sky once in a while. Then right 
thru the top of it came tearin out a regular fourth 
of July celebrashun of Fritz fireworks. They 
were just like the rockets at Weewillo Park that 
spit out long snakes of gold fire like a broom 
when they bust. The nearer that barrage came to 
the Fritz trenches the faster they went up all along 
the line. 

We lay there a few minites till everybody came 
up. The thing that struck me now was that I 
wasnt scared. Id been more afraid of bein scared 
than anything else. Then the Major got up an 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH iMABLE!" 61 

started on with everybody else taggin along with 
him. It was to foggy to see what was happenin 
on each side. We went down a hill. It got 
swampy an we struck some duck boards. Some- 
body must have been over before us an put them 
down. If they could get around as easy as that 
it beat me what they were makin all this fuss for. 

All around us was big shell holes filled with 
water. They gave the Americans a second hand 
battle field to begin on. The French had used it 
lots of times before. Once I lost sight of the 
Lootenant an stepped off the duck boards to pass 
some doboys. It was like steppin into a well. 
There didnt seem to be any bottom to it. I 
grabbed hold of a doboy that was goin by but he 
pushed me back agen an says "Who the this an 
that do you think your mawlin around here?" 
Then somebody gav^e me a hand. What I needed 
more than a tin derby was a pair of water wings. 
I didnt feel cold any more tho. 

Something happened to the duckboards an we 
was wadin in mud to our knees. Every once in a 
while Id slip into a shell hole an then Id have 
to run to catch up agen. That Major must have 
been brought up in Indiana the way he got thru 
the mud. My rapped leggins began to shrink an 
the cavs of my legs hurt something awful. But 
we kept goin an goin without ever gettin to the 
Fritz trenches. 

After a while we came to a little creek about 



fJ5 



62 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI 

ten foot wide with bushes along each side. The 
Major an a couple of the oficers just jumped right 
in an waded across. It wasnt much over there 
waste but it looked awful cold an black slippin 
along thru the fog. The doboys stood for a minit 
on the bank shivering like a dog when you throw 
a stick he wants in a pond he knows is cold. 

I wish you could have heard the Major cuss. 
He had a line that would have driven a team of 
mules without reins or a whip. Naturally havin 
gotten all wet he couldnt see callin the battle off 
there. Pretty soon some doboy jumped in right 
where hed gone over. Then it seemed like the 
whole army was fightin to get across in that one 
place. Of course they had the whole creek to 
pick from but somehow nobody thought of that 
till everything was all over. 

All this time I kept thinkin how we was most 
across Nobodies land an I wasnt scared yet. I got 
so cocky about it I stopped to light a cigaret just 
to show the doboys that a battle or so didnt make 
no difference to me one way or the other. But 
we were thru the swamp now an my legs hurt 
agen. We came to a road runnin right down the 
middle of Nobodies Land. The Major stopped 
here an sent out feilos to see where the rest of 
the outfit was. The fog was still so thick you 
couldnt see nothin an you couldnt hear nothin of 
course on acount of the racket. 

All of a sudden a flock of machine guns got 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 63 

under way at the same time. There was a noise 
all around like a bunch of fellos whisselin thru 
there teeth. Everyone dropped down in the grass. 
I lay so close to the ground I bet I was a foot 
wider than usual. Then I knew the reason I hadnt 
been scared before was because nobodied been 
firin at us till now. Fightin is good fun, Mable, 
as long as the bullets are all goin the same way 
as you are. I dropped my cigaret when I flopped 
down. Now I could smell it burnin a hole thru 
my coat. I wouldnt have raised up enuff to pull 
it out tho if it had burned a hole right thru me. 

As soon as the whisselin let up a little the 
Major jumped up an says how he didnt know 
where the rest of the army was but we wasnt goin 
to lie there an rot. I didnt feel as if I was goin 
to rot for quite a while but I didnt like to get left 
behind so I tagged along. We passed two or 
three of our fellos that was done in. Then a 
bunch of barb wire with a couple of doboys 
workin like hell with wire clippers. Our shells 
had busted it up pretty good but there was an aw- 
ful lot to bust. 

Just as we got thru the wire somebody says 
"Look out." A Fritz was runnin toward us thru 
the fog. His hands was floppin over his head 
kind of loose an he was makin the queerest noises 
I ever heard. The way I imagine a sheep would 
if youd kicked it. 

His helmet was so big it looked more like a 



64 "SAxME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

tin sunbonnet. He was just a kid an the scardest 
one I ever seen. We didnt have time to soovenir 
him. Somebody just planted him an awful kick 
that sent him across the barb wire an out of sight 
thru the fog in the direcshun of our lines. 

Something else moved up ahead. We yelled at 
it but it didnt say nothin so a couple of doboys 
dropped down an fired. We passed him a minit 
later. He was layin on his back with one arm 
still floppin a little like a fello thats restless in his 
sleep. 

We were right in the Fritz trenches now. They 
were the ones Id seen a few days before from the 
observashun post. Everybody seemed to have 
cleared out except a few that was beyond clearin. 
There machine guns was layin around still hot. 
The doboys just distributed a few bums into the 
dug-outs like salvashun army tracks. Then we 
climed out an went on. 

The woods werent more than half a minit from 
the trenches. We ran right into them before we 
knew it. Everybody just busted into the bushes 
but I tell you Mable, it was worse than takin a 
cold bath in winter. I expected to fall into a 
machine gun nest any minit. Nobody tried to 
stop us tho. It looked as tho theyd all beat it. 
Pretty soon I came to a road all made out of 
boards. Id lost the Lootenant and the Major 
by this time but there was a lot of doboys around 
an it looked as tho the show was all over any- 




HIS HELMET LOOKED LIKE A TIN SUNBONNET 



66 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

way. Just as we stepped out on the road about 
a dozen Fritzes came runnin down with there 
hands floppin over there heads an blattin like the 
first one had. Some doboy made a pass at one 
of them with a bayonet just for fun. He started 
to whine like a kid. No matter how scared I ever 
get Mable 111 never be as scared as these Fritzes 
an thats sayin a goodeel. 

Things seemed pretty well over so I stopped to 
help the doboys soovenir this bunch. I just took 
a few buttons an a helmet offen one. He had 
red hair. Most of them wanted us to take 
everything they had. Then I started up the road 
to see if I could find the Lootenant an the Major 
an a looger pistel. There was a bunch of us all 
together. I don't know just how it happened but I 
guess there must have been a machine gun planted 
at a bend in the road just ahead of us. It cut 
loose as soon as the last prisoner had started for 
the rear. I could hear those old pills whisselin 
thru there teeth at me as they went past. A 
couple of the doboys dropped without lettin out a 
sound an I made a move that would have de- 
ceived the quickest eye. I never saw a road 
cleared so quick in my life. An there I lay beside 
the board road, Mable, lissenin to the machine 
gun bullets playin she loves me she loves me not 
with the daisies over my head. 

I hated to lose that helmet havin taken it of? 
the Fritz myself an he havin red hair an the like. 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 67 

So I slipped it into an openin under the road. 
Then I noticed everybody else crawlin away thru 
the bushes so I crawled after them havin nothin 
else to do. 

After Id crawled till it seemed like I must be 
pretty near out of the woods an the knees of my 
trousers I stood up. When I looked around for 
the doboys there wasnt any. All I could hear 
was rivitin machines an shells bustin all around 
me. An the bullets was criss-crossin thru the 
bushes like a bunch of draggin flies. It seemed 
like a useless place for an artilery fello to be in. 

Well, Mable, Im goin to quit now cause one 
of the doboy runners is goin back an I want to 
give him this letter. I am enclosin some mud I 
picked up in Nobodies Land. It may help to give 
you some idear of the country. 

Yours to the last Fritz 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

I never thought Id be ritin such long letters 
that Id have to be gettin them off my chest on 
the instalment plan. Ive sharpened my pencil so 
ofen there aint hardly enuff left to hang onto. 
There shellin the woods today. Every time one 
lands anywhere near the dug out something seems 
to break the point. 

Well, Mable, in my last letter I left myself 
standin all alone in the middle of the woods lis- 



68 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

senin to a lot of things flyin round my head that 
arent in no bird book. I was beginnin to think 
wether, havin lost the Lootenant an the Major, 
I hadnt ought to go back to my battery. Duty 
before plesurc. Thats me all over, Mable. Just 
then I heard someone comin thru the woods. 

That was the worst minit of my life except 
once when I had to make a speech in High School. 
I decided if it was goin to be my last Id spend it 
as private as I could so I stepped behind a bush. 
Whoever was comin seemed to have the spring 
halt. Hed come a little way. Then hed stop. 
Then hed come a little. I couldnt figger where I 
had any call to act as a Fritz recepshun comittee 
so I started to crawl away. Just as I stuck my 
head around the bush I saw something that made 
me lie down agen so hard I bet the ground is still 
stamped with the eagels on my buttons. It was 
only the end of a shoe passin thru the brush about 
fifteen feet away. There are times tho when an 
old shoe can look worse than your granfathers 
gost sittin on the end of your bed makin faces 
at you. 

I lay there for what seemed like a couple of 
days. I didnt dare roll over on my back for 
fear of makin a noise an I didnt dare stay on my 
face for fear of somebody makin a pincushun out 
of me while I wasnt lookin. I was ti7in to think 
out some way of not doin ether when the queerest 
noise you ever heard started on the other side of 



i 




"l STUCK MY HEAD AROUND THE BUSH" 



70 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

the bush. It was like water comln back into a 
facet after its been shut off for a while. I could 
feel my tin derby pull right up offen my head. 
The noise kept gettin loud an ended up with a 
sneeze. You couldnt have lifted me higher with a 
shell. I never was gladder tho to hear a sneeze 
cause I knew who that belonged to. I could have 
told it blindfolded in a milyun. 

I was so glad to find Angus I forgot he didnt 
know I was there an ran around the bush. He 
was lying in a bunch of briars all red in the face 
from trying to hold in. When he heard me comin 
he threw up both hands. Then when he saw who 
it was he tried to make out he was stretchin. 

Angus said hed been crawlin around the woods 
tryin to find somebody till he saw me duck behind 
a bush. Hed been layin there ever since tryin to 
decide wether to shoot me an take a chance on 
missin or lay there till I died a natshural death. 
It was easy to see tho that we wouldnt win any- 
thing but a wooden cross hangin round there so 
we walked thru the woods till we ran into about 
twenty doboys. One of them said they was after 
a machine gun nest that was holdin things up. 
Even that was better than snoopin around alone 
an we followed along like a couple of dogs after 
a parade. 

Well, Mable, the doboys is ether awful brave 
or awful stupid. They might have been after 
birds nests the way they went at it. Nobody but 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEl" 71 

me seemed to figger that we might be comin up 
in front of that machine gun insted of behind it. 
It was just beginnin to strike me that this didnt 
have much to do with an artilery runner when a 
couple of the doboys off to one side began throwin 
hand grenades. I heard a lot of cussin an when 
we got up there was five Fritzes standin in a pit 
with a machine gun. There hands was up in the 
air except for a couple that didnt count. 

It was the first time Id seen them doin any real 
soldierin. An do you know, Mable, there wasnt 
a woman among em. They wasnt even chained to 
there guns. Theres something wrong with this 
war or else the styles are changin. 

One of the doboys took them back. They were 
a pretty poor lot an didnt have anything worth 
while with them. The doboys seemed to have 
some idear where they were goin so we stuck 
along. They went down in a few dug outs. In 
one of them we found six Fritzes an four looger 
pistels. That made everybody feel pretty good 
except the fellos that was left out. They voted 
solid it was a rotten show. The machine guns 
was off more to one side now but it seemed like 
they was throwin a lot of shells around without 
much regard to where we was. 

We came out on a road an ran into a doboy 
Captin an two or three men. Havin nothin better 
to do we followed him. He turned up a little 
railroad track like the one that used to run 



72 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

around the county fair for a dime. It twisted 
along thru the woods without seemin to come out 
much of anyplace. Then we came round a bend 
an about fifty yards away was a gang of Fritzes 
stokin shells into four whoppin big guns as fast 
as they could fire them out. 

The next thing I knew I was runnin down that 
little track behind the Captin. Quite a ways be- 
hind, Mable. Everybody was cussin like a mule- 
skinner. Angus was sayin things in Skotch I bet 
hed hate to have rote down as his last words. 
But the Fritzes didnt seem to have no idear of 
makin them that. They stopped for one look an 
dove in the bushes like a bunch of rabbits. All 
except a few that was to scared to run. They just 
stood an gobbled at us. 

It seemed to me wed done something worth 
sittin around an havin a postmortem about. But 
the Captin just rote the name of his company on 
one of the guns with a piece of chalk. Then he 
lit his pipe an started off down the track agen. 
We came out on a road after a while an there 
was the Major an a whole lot of doboys. The 
doboys was sittin on the railroad track, smokin 
cigarets an watchin the shells bust in the woods 
all around them like they was at a baseball game. 
A squad of Fritzes was puttin a few of our doboys 
on stretchers an carryin them off down the road. 

Well, Mable, there aint much more to tell. The 
Major sent me over to a tin house where the 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 73 

Lootenant was. I found him dryin off by an old 
Fritz stove an eatin somebodies Irun Rashuns. 
I never could find out when the battle was offishul- 
ly over. There was machine guns poppin away all 
the afternoon but nobody seemed to be botherin 
much about them. I guess they just got sick of it 
an quit. Anyway they were gone by night. 

Now were lyin around takin it easy. We fire 
at the Fritzes all day an they fire back at us. They 
havnt interfered with my meals yet tho so let 
them go to it. Every dug out has been turned 
inside out. I guess the Fritzes dont get charged 
for losin equipment like we do. From the amount 
of stuff we found they must get pretty near un- 
dressed before they run away. 

Ive just been figgerin up the total victory with 
Angus. We got five loogers, two pair of feel 
glasses (one broke), a gold watch that can be 
fixed, three pocket fulls of buttons, a lot of let- 
ters we cant read an four belts. As for helmets 
an gas masks an the like all you got to do is reach 
your hand out the dug out door. If we could only 
soovenir a Ford truck to carry all this stuff 
wed be fixed. 

Im goin to quit now an get some sleep. Angus 
says lay up all you can while you have a chance. 
Hes laid up enuff to last him the rest of his life 
since Ive known him. 

Yours as long as it lasts 

Bill 



74 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

Dere Mahle: 

Ive heard so many shells floatin over this old 
wood in the last week that they dont mean much 
more to me now than the postmans whissel. Only 
I hope I dont ever hear one stop an turn in here 
cause I aint hankerin to be evakuated like a pic- 
tur puzzle. 

Im sleepin with the doboy runners. If you 
want to know anything about the war thats the 
place to live. 

Yesterday the Lootenant called me over to his 
dug out an said he was goin to establish a couple 
of observashun posts. I thanked him an said Id 
seen all I wanted to so if it was the same to 
him Id stay in an keep my eye on the soovenirs. 
As soon as he saw I had something else to do hed 
have dragged me out if Id only had one leg to 
walk on. 

The Lootenant loaded everything he could 
think of onto my back. I wouldnt have been sur- 
prised if hed ended up by climin on himself. If 
you could win this war with telescopes an things 
it would have been over three days after he got 
into it. We went to a place where the Dutch had 
built a platform way up in a tree on the edge 
of the woods. The Lootenant an a doboy oficer 
climed up. They was up there so long we thought 
theyd probably found an old machine gun nest an 
gone to sleep in it. 

While we was sittin under the tree plannin how 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEl" 75 

wed improve the army if it was ours we heard an 
airyplane comin. You could tell by the noise it 
was flyin low. We figgered if it was a Dutch 
plane the Lootenants was up a tree more ways 
than one cause they stuck up above the rest of the 
woods like a sore thum. Pretty soon we could see 
it thru the branches an sure enuff there was the 
irun cross painted on the bottom. It came up to 
the tree an circled round it. Then it opened up 
its machine gun at it an flew away with a trail 
of yellow smoke comin out its hind end. 

You ought to have seen those two Lootenants 
come down. They beat every law of gravity old 
man Newton ever passed. The Lootenant said 
theyd fixed that observashun post all right an now 
he was goin to put up another one on the other 
side of the woods. He thought this next one 
would be better on the ground. 

The next place we stopped was a little clearin 
on the side of a hill. You could look right across 
the Moose river an see where our shells was 
landin in a grave yard right near a Fritz town. 
Some of these fellos certinly is there. The Fritzes 
was gettin back at us by shellin our doboys near 
where we was workin. Thats the way they do. 
When we shell the Fritz doboys they come right 
back at us an shell ours. Its a case of you kick 
my dog an 111 kick yours. Thats a nice arrange- 
ment for everybody but the doboys. 

The Lootenant set up a little table an began 



76 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

squintin thru some glasses like he was goln to lay 
a railroad thru to Berlin. Then shh-bang an one 
of those little Hungry Awstrian guns lit in the 
woods behind us. Those things dont lie around 
in the sun decidin wether there goin to be duds or 
not I can tell you. I dont stand around waitin 
to find out ether. Im gettin so I can drop quicker 
than a war stock. When that thing lit we was 
all standin round watchin the Lootenant. When 
it started distributin itself around there wasnt 
nobody in sight. A couple of others came right 
after it closer still. 

After a while I heard the Lootenant say "Its 
so comfortable in here I hate to get out." Like 
he was takin a hot bath or something. Only he 
didnt fool nobody that way. When it looked 
like the Hungry Awstrians had quit everybody 
began poppin out of the ground agen. As soon as 
we was all up shh-bang. Angus cut his eye on a 
rock in the bottom of a shell hole. Hell be able 
to give pointers to Annie Kellerman when he 
gets home. If he ever gets wounded 111 bet itll 
be in the sole of the foot. 

After that the Lootenant decided he wouldnt 
keep us out any longer. He was afraid wed miss 
our mess. The war is changin some people. 

Well Mable 111 rite you agen in a few days if 
I dont get put on detached service with the Angels, 
until then yours exclusively 

Bill 




VOU OUGHT TO HAVE SEEN THOSE TWO LOOTENANTS COME DOWN" 



78 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

Dere Mahle: 

I suppose you thought I was dead for the last 
two weeks. You was so near to right a couple 
of times I wanted to get something definite on it 
before I rote you. I been havin newmonya now 
in the hospittle for ten days. I havnt been so 
sore since I had the mumps Crismus vacashun. 
After duckin half the shells the Croup people ever 
turned out I had to get hit with a cold in the 
head. I bet I get the chicken pox on my honey- 
moon. 

An now here I am holdin down an irun cot 
that creeks when you turn over, missin all the fun 
an not even goin to get a wound stripe. The 
worst of it they tell me I got as much chance of 
gettin back to my battery as I havin of catchin 
the Croun Prince. They say like as not 111 land 
in some Steva Dora regiment in the SOS or in 
the M.P.s. They dont seem to have nothin to 
do in this army but take you from where you 
want to be an put you where you dont. 

But I aint goin to complain, Mable. I told 
em that after Id been here four days. All I say 
is if they dont let me out of this hole toot sweet 
Im goin to get up an beat it an die on the road. 
Then perhaps theyll wish they had. 

Theres not a blessed thing to do but wait for 
mess an lissen to the fello lie in the next bed. 
He can make Annie Nias look like Martha Wash- 
ington before hes been talkln five minites. He 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 79 

says that when he got hit the shells was fallin 
around him so fast that the only way he saved his 
life was by deflectin them off with a bayonet. Two 
of them came at him at once an he got mixed up. 
I ast him why he didnt catch one on the back of 
his neck like the fello does the cannon balls in 
the vawdeville show. The nurse told me yester- 
day he got his foot run over by a truck. Every- 
body spends there time tellin how they used to 
shake dice with death every mornin before break- 
fast. It works out all right cause nobody believes 
anybody else an it gives them good practice for 
when they go home. 

Its a funny thing about the fello in the next 
bed. I came in two days after he did. Four days 
after he got here he came down with newmonya. 
I got it two days later. He died last night. But 
of course that dont necesarily mean nothin. 
Cheerful an bright to the last gasp. Thats me 
all over, Mable. Of course I dont want you to 
worry cause that would make me worry an theres 
no tellin what that would bring on. 

Well, Mable, I got a big surprise for you. I 
guess itU take a load offen your mind. You know 
all that stuff we been readin in the war stories 
about hospittles an the like. It all goes the same. 
"The next thing the fello knew he was lyin be- 
tween snowy white sheets an a butiful vizun was 
bendin over him. She had vilet eyes an was full 
of tears like shed been cryin or something. An 



8o "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

she smooths out his pillo an says 'Your better 
now.' " That smoothin out the pillo always seems 
to cure em. Well, Mable, Im sorry to say thats 
all bunk — every word of it. 

When I first heard they were goin to send me 
to a hospittle behind the lines I didnt care a bit. 
I wanted to have a look at a vilet eyed nurse. 
Accordin to the books they usuly turn out to be 
Dutcheses or somebody. I was plannin to look 
up in her eyes an say "This must be heven. Do 
you happen to have any lemonade?" Or some- 
thing mushy like that. Then shed cry some more 
an like as not put a stick in the lemonade. 

Of course I wouldnt have married her or noth- 
in. In the first place all the churches over here 
is knocked down an besides I got other plans if 
I ever get a chance between wars. 

The thing started off all wrong by my not bein 
unconshus when they brought me in. I didnt even 
ride in on a stretcher. I was a sittin case. They 
walk. Before I could get into the place at all I 
had to report to a sargent. He ast me so many 
questions I thought I must have struck some re- 
cruitin stashun an might be enlistin agen. I pretty 
near had heart failure for a minit. The sargent 
told me report to Ward 19. You never go any- 
where in the army. You report. Theyd have a 
fello in his coffin report to his grave if they 
could. 

When they built Ward 19 they took all the joy 




'do you happen to have any lemonade?' " 



82 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

out of it by makin it look like a barracks. Insted 
of a vilet eyed nurse there was a bleary eyed 
Captin sittin in a little room in front. He didnt 
look as if hed been to bed since the war started. 
I says "Sir, Private Smith reports to be sick in 
Ward 19." Nobody cried or looked at me with 
tears in there eyes. The Captin just says "What 
the this an that is the matter with those fellos 
up there do they think this is the only hospittle 
in France? Lets see your card." 

He called an orderly who showed me an empty 
bed where I was to be sick. Then he says "If 
you want anything to eat you better get your 
close off." Just like a fello couldnt eat right with 
his close on. An he says "You dont have to set 
your dirty shoes on the blankets nether." 

After Id got into bed the nurse came along to 
take my temperment. I aint goin to say nothin 
agenst that nurse tho. She was all right an it 
wasnt her fait she didnt have vilet eyes. As for 
cryin, Mable, she was too busy to have shed a 
tear if you shoved a peck of onyuns under her 
nose. I never saw anybody work so hard. Shed 
make a good wife for the Top sargent. It would 
make him happy to sit around an watch her. 

Well, Mable, if you dont get another letter 
from me youll probably get one from the local 
congressman explainin why. If the worst come to 
worst tell your father I didnt bear no grudge 
agenst him. I was thinkin yesterday about a little 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 83 

motto or something for my toomstone. I sort 
of like this one. I showed it to the nurse. She 
said she never saw anything like It on anybodies 
toomstone so I guess itU be all right. 

Here lies the body of Bill Smith, dead 
For the good of the service, with a cold In his head 
Tho hed felt (without duckin) the bullets breeze 
He was called aloft by an ordinary sneeze. 

yours hopefully 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

All kinds of things has happened since I rote 
you last. In the first place I didnt die of new- 
monya like I said I was goin to but I bet I had 
the government worried about my insurance a 
couple of times. One day they put a bunch of 
us in an ambulance an drove off. Nobody knew 
where we was goin except that It was toward 
the front. It seemed good almost to hear those 
old guns bangin away just like Id never been 
gone. An then the first person I saw when they 
let me out was the Top sargent. ItU give you 
an Idear how glad I was to get back to the outfit 
when I say I could have kised him, whissel an all. 

Im riting this way down In a Dutch dug-out. 
Upstairs there shellln all the time. War certlnly 
has changed since I went to the hosplttle. You 
take more chances goin to mess up here than 



84 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

you did goin over the top when this all started. 
In half an hour, I got to go on gas gard. That 
means I stand in front of the dug out an when 
I smell something I blow a klaxon. If any old 
Ford ever sneaks up behind me when I get home 
an blows a klaxon theyll probably see me clap 
my derby over my face an dive into a coal hole. 

Theyve thrown so much gas at us lately that 
Its gettin on the mens nerves as well as there close. 
Most of the fellos would yell gas if you threw a 
pot of geraniums into the dugout. Somebody 
stepped on Anguses hand while he was asleep 
yesterday an he put some iodine on it. He woke 
up in the middle of the night an smelt it. He had 
us wearin our gas masks pretty near the rest of 
the night. But we 

Ive forgot what I was goin to say there. I bet 
Ive got gray hairs since I rote that last line. Just 
as I got to the "we" I heard the old klaxon 
squawk. When I felt around my chest for my 
gas mask it wasnt there. It was worse than findin 
yourself on the street car without a nickel on the 
way to your own weddin. I sat there wonderin 
how long I could hold my breth till I almost 
busted a lung. Then I remembered it was on my 
knee under the letter where Id been usin it for a 
ritin desk. Theyd have sent me back to the 
States as gas instructor if they could have seen 
me put on that mask. Chained lightenin. Thats 
me all over, Mable. 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 85 

All we do nowdays is move. Back in the States 
it used to take us 24 hours to get ready for a hike. 
Now were lucky if we get 24 minits. We expect 
anything an we havnt been disappointed so far. 
Like the other nite when we were on our way 
to this place. It was rainin as usual. Wed pitched 
pup tents in the woods an had just gotten to sleep. 
Angus an I was bunkin together on some hay that 
hed pulled of a forage wagon that was caught in 
a jam. We was lissenin to the rain an sayin how 
lucky we was not to be out in it. That is nothin 
but our feet an there always wet so they dont 
count. Its funny how different rain sounds beatin 
on the sides of a pup tent an on a tin derby. 

I went to sleep an dreamed I was on a train 
just pullin into Philopolis. I looked out the windo 
an saw your father on the platform with a whissel 
in his mouth. He was blowin it an dancin around 
like a mad monkey. Then I woke up an the Top 
was standin outside blowin on his whissel like he 
was tryin to blow the pea out of it an sayin "Fall 
in. Harness an hitch." 

Well, Mable, to say that bunch was sore was 
like callin Niagra Falls pretty. I dont supose 
you ever tried to make a blanket roll in the pitch 
dark an six inches of mud. It comes out like a 
jelly roll only mud insted of jelly. 

About midnight the Top came from somewhere 
an says "Unhitch an unharness. Put up your pup 
tents. We aint agoin to move." 



86 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

I never saw so much mud. Mud seems to go 
with the army just like monkey meat an Top 
sargents an first calls. 

Theres been a whole lot of talk about peace 
lately. Angus says theres some Dutch oficers 
comin thru here in an automobile to see General 
Fosh about an armistice. An armistice is awful 
tecknickle, Mable. About the only way I can 
explain it is that you dont quit fightin only you do. 
I may be eatin gobbler at Thanksgivin yet. 

Just now I got to quit cause theres no armistice 
yet an Im supposed to go on gas gard at five 
o'clock. Its six now. The fello thats on gard 
has been yellin down the stairs at me fer an hour 
so I guess 111 go up an see whats the trouble. Hes 
an awful nervus fello. 

yours till I come off gas gard 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

The war is over. Finney le gare. The six 
inch head lines lost their job at leven oclock Mon- 
day mornin. Its so quiet you can almost hear it. 
It sure will be a come down when we have to look 
at picturs in the Sunday papers of the Prince of 
Whales visitin a tooth pick factory an the flower 
show at Passadinner. 

It wasnt much of an endin to a worlds cham- 
peenship scrap. Id always thought that when 
they ended wars like this they lined up same as in 




TRIED TO MAKE A BLANKET ROLL IN SIX INCHES OF MUd' 



88 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

the pictur your father has of whats his name sur- 
renderin to thingumbob at Yorktown. I thought 
General Fosh would come ridin out on a big white 
horse an General HInderberg on a big black, one. 
Hed hand Fosh his sord or whissel or whatever 
it is that Generals carry nowdays. Then every- 
body would cheer, the bands would bust out with 
the Star Spangled Banner an It would be just like 
after the fello rides a biclcle over five elefants 
in the circus. After that wed hand our guns over 
to some museum an go home. Somehow or other 
it was to big to peter out the way It did. 

We fired off an on Sunday night an then quit 
when it got daylight. Most of the fellos were 
down in the dug outs catchin a little sleep except 
for the gards an a few others that was monkeyin 
around upstairs. Me an Angus was sittin in a 
little trench In front of the first gun. Angus was 
cleanin his revolver. I might have known from 
that that something out of the way was goin to 
happen. 

The Fritzes was sowin a big field in front of 
the battery with wash boilers. Theyd been at it 
all mornin but about the only thing they was killen 
was the grass. Not bein Interested in the hay crop 
we wasnt callln them up to tell them about it. 
Every ten minites or so you could feel a big one 
land. Then wed stick our heads up over the top 
of the trench an watch it throw up mud in the 
air like Old Faithless guyser. 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 89 

We was talkin about the armistice. Angus said 
if it was sined up we was to go to college in Ing- 
land for six months or else to Rusha to fight the 
Slovo Checkracks or the Checko Swaybacks or 
somebody. Not wantin to do ether I couldnt see 
where the armistice was goin to do me much good. 

Just then I saw the Top comin but it was to 
late to go anywhere. He says "I want you fellos 
to go an help unload a rashun truck thats stuck 
in the mud down the road. An by the way, the 
wars over in about five minits so dont go around 
shootin anybody after that unless you want to land 
in the gard house." I bet if the angel Gabriul 
stuck his head out of a cloud an said the world was 
goin to end in twenty minits all that would worry 
the Top would be thinkin up details to keep us 
sweatin that long. 

Thats about all there was to the end of the 
war as far as I was concerned. Angus says "III 
be darned." Then he squinted thru his gun an 
handed it over to me an says "See if you think 
thats rust up near the front end." We stopped 
everybody that came along an told them about it. 
Most of them would just say "111 be damed." 
Then theyd stand around for a minit thinkin It 
over an ask "When are we goin home?" Youd 
think me an Angus was runnin some kind of a 
Cooks toor. 

Things warmed up a little after it got dark. 
Everybody got there fireworks out an touched 



90 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

them off. It was the first time since we been In 
the war that we found out what a lot of those 
rockets were. It made 4th of July look like Sun- 
day In Phlladelfia. 

Of course all anybody thinks about now is 
when there goln home. Most of the fellos Is ex- 
pectin to help put the fires out on the family Cris- 
mus tree. Theres a few of them thinks theyll be 
eatin homemade turkey Thanksglvin. I wouldnt 
worry much if I was a turkey tho. 

Well, Mable, after all the baths I took last 
winter an all Ive been rained on since I got here 
I finally adopted a pack of cooties. I guess some 
Fritz left them In a dug out to starve. I dont 
know why it Is that animals seem to take to me 
so. This bunch Is so attached to me I havnt been 
able to shake them for two weeks. I used to 
think cooties was funny just like you think sllppin 
on a banana peel is funny till its your slip. Now 
all I do Is scratch, scratch, scratch. Thats me all 
over, Mable. 

Im enclosin a blank slip they gave out today. 
Anybody that wants to send a Crismus present 
has to have one. I wasnt goln to send it first 
cause it sounded a little like I was expectin a 
present. Then I figgered Id just tell you I didnt 
want one an send it for a curiosity. 

I guess 111 see you in about a month. Its just a 
question of findin somebody thats fool enuff to 
take these guns offen our hands. You might as 



^i\\ Bi-ecK 




ALL I DO IS SCRATCH, SCRATCH, SCRATCH' 



92 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!'* 

well start oilin the victrola. You can tell your 
father hes goin to sit down to the biggest dinner 
he ever tackeled the first Sunday after I get home, 
liver or no liver. 

till then as always 

Bill 
P. S. Im sendin half a dozen of those slips ex- 
tra in case the first one should get lost or some 
of your friends wanted to send anything to some- 
body over here. 



Dere Mable: 

You couldnt guess where I am now. Im not to 
sure myself. All I know is it isnt the way home. 
A couple of days after the armistice was signed 
we pulled the guns into what was left of a town. 
The Fritzes had just moved out. Then the Cap- 
tin told us there was an army goin into Germany 
an we was to be part of it. It struck me as a 
pretty low trick when wed told the Fritzes we 
was thru fightin to go right on pickin on them. 
He said it was an honer. Im always leary of that. 
In the army honer an hard work are the same 
thing. 

We lay around four days before we started. 
The Lootenant said that was to give the Fritzes 
a good start. I cant make out if were still at war 
or if this is some kind of a handicap race. We 
traveled a week tho and didnt see one of them. 




THE PEOPLE HERE WEAR WOODEN SHOES AN HAVE NO SHAPES" 



94 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

I guess we gave up after that cause theyve let us 
lie around here four or five days. They call this 
the Providence of Luxemburg. Im glad we didnt 
have to fight our way here. 

Thanksgivin Is over. You probably know that 
tho. I suppose we got a lot to be thankful for" 
but a fello gets a short memory when his brains 
full of mud. As far as I can see the turkeys had 
the most to crow about this year. It might have 
been St. Patricks day for all we saw of them. 
We had stake an gravey an potatoes. The mess 
sargent said we ought to be thankful it wasnt corn 
Willie. He could think up some reason why we 
ought to be grateful to him if he fed us nails. 

The people here wear wooden shoes an have 
big manure piles an no shapes. Theyll scrub the 
inside of the house till its so clean you could eat 
offen the floor. Only I never could see any ad- 
vantage in that cause nobody in his right mind 
would want to eat there. Then theyll build a ma- 
nure pile right under the front windo. That aint 
so bad here as it would be home cause the only 
time they open the windos Is when they want to 
throw something out. Then they shut em quick 
SOS they wont let out any air. I bet the greatest 
hardship the German army had was sleepin out- 
doors for four years. 

Angus says the Providence of Luxemburg Is 
run by a Dutchess thats young an good lookln. 
I guess she must be a foriner. Shes never been 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 95 

married which shows shes got pretty good taste 
from all Ive seen around here. There sure will 
be great opportunities over here for a young fello 
after the war. 

Well, Mable, I dont think well be over here 
long. Angus says this is just a kind of a parade 
to show the Fritzes how good we are. Im glad 
to hear your goin to a motor school. It certinly 
will be good when you have a puncture not to 
have a bunch of wimmin hangin out of the tonne 
askin you if you want some candy an should they 
get out. 

as ever sick of the army 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

We crossed into the Fodderland yesterday. 
After scrappin about it for four years nobody 
seemed to give a rap any more than if wed been 
draggin in a load of hay. You remember how 
the papers used to say if we ever drove the 
Fritzes back to Germany we could never get 
across the border. Proper Gander, every word 
of it. They didnt even have a fence around it. 

We just crossed a little river no wider than 
Silver Creek an there we was. No screamin wim- 
min, no stray shots out of attiks, no awtrocities. 
Nobody even took the trouble to come out an hiss 
at us. It made everybody feel pretty low I can 
tell you. The only ones that took any interest at 



96 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

all was a bunch of kids In soldiers caps an stand 
up collars like your father wears. They seemed 
to think we was goin to show in their town an 
trotted along beside us to watch the big tent go 
up. 

Wed all been plannin for some time on com- 
mittin a few good awtrocities as soon as we got 
into Germany just to liven things up a bit. 

As usual tho when the Captins runnin the party 
anything sporty is ruled out. The only awtroci- 
ties hell let us commit is makin faces at the 
Fritzes. The whole thing has been an awful dis- 
appointment. This country aint no diferent from 
France or the one we just left. It aint even col- 
ored diferent like it is on the map. 

Theres a fello from Milwawke in our battery 
named Joe Bush. It certinly helps to have some- 
body around that speaks German. Last night 
Joe told me hed found a regular bed in one of the 
Fritz houses that the oficers seemed to have 
missed. He traded me half of it for a package 
of cigarets. Back to the hay barn for me tonite. 

A German bed is like a loaf of bread thats rose 
to much. Its so high you need a chair to get onto 
it. I guess youd need a coroner if you ever rolled 
off it. When I first got up on it I couldnt make 
out where the bed close was. Then I found there 
was two matdresses, one about four feet thick an 
the other on top about a foot thick. Your sup- 
posed to sleep between them like a sanwidge. The 




A GERMAN BED IS LIKE A LOAF of BREAD THATS ROSE TO MUCH** 



98 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

little matdress is built so it just reaches from your 
neck to your ankles if you aint to tall. You can get 
the idear by lyin down an puttin a sofa pillo over 
you. Ether the Fritzes has awful tuff feet or 
there built like a pocket drinkin cup. I tried 
rollin up like a dog till Joe caught onto it to. 

Well, Mable, in about an hour I felt like I was 
in the hot room of a Turks bath. I dont see how 
the Germans is so fat if they sleep between these 
things. 

The young girl in a kimony on the cover of 
the Murad boxes gives you an idear how you 
sleep on a German bed. I never knew why she 
looked so discouraged before. 

The old fello that owned the bed seemed kind 
of scared at first. I guess he thought after we 
found what it was like we might commit a few 
awtrocities just to put us to sleep. 

We agreed to call off the awtrocities if hed 
leave his Frow cook us up a mess of waffles toot 
sweet. Frow is what they call there wives, Ma- 
ble. I guess its short for Frowsie. 

I got to start in forgettin my French now an 
begin on Dutch. I bet I talk pigen Inglish when 
I get home. I dont have much trouble with lan- 
guiges tho. I can say quite a few things already 
like "Ya" and "Nine" an *'Vas iss." Thats all 
right if your just out for a social time but it aint 
any good in commershul life. 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 99 

Its no use tellin you to rite I never get your 
letters. 

yours disgustedly 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

We crossed the Rine day before yesterday. It 
was Friday the 13th but the bridge held up in spite 
of it. The Rine didnt look like much to me. Im 
not much of a judge of rivers tho. Its been rainin 
for three days an it would take an awful lot of 
water in one place to make much impreshun on 
me. 

We all thought we was goin to a town by the 
name of Coblence. The Mess sargent had told 
us everybody was to have a room to himself an 
that most of the time when we wasnt at the mov- 
ies wed be canoin up an down the river. The 
armies got an idear tho that if you let a soldier 
get near anything thats worth while hell take it 
to pieces an cart it away. So they saved Coblence 
by goin around it. 

That night we stuck the horses and guns in the 
front yard of a Chatto. It looked more like Cen- 
tral Park to me. The fello that owned the place 
was standin at the gate when we came in. He 
had on a green felt hat with the edges curled up 
like a derby an a feather stuck in it. I wouldnt 
have been surprised if hed started to yodel. I 
bet he was as glad to see us as the meesels. A 



loo "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

regiment of field artilery walkin around your 
front yard aint no grass cultivator. 

This isnt a bad place to lay over for a day tho. 
The town is built round a big cliff. On top is the 
ruins of an old cassel. Some of the town tried 
to clime up the side of the cliff an got stuck half 
way. In the house where Im bilited the front 
door is where it ought to be an the back door 
opens onto the street from the third floor. I can 
hear your mother sayin, "Run up in the attik, Ma- 
ble, an see who that is knockin at the back door." 

Theres a little stream runnin thru the town. Its 
very beautiful an full of tin cans. The sides are 
all bricked up. The Fritzes would make the trees 
grow square if they could. The hills go straight 
up all around us. I dont know how the stream ever 
got in here or how were goin to get out. It cer- 
tinly is a useful place for artilery. xAbout the 
only thing you could shoot out of here would be 
a skyrocket. 

They told us we was goin to have yesterday to 
ourselves. Then the last minit they made us all 
take a bath. In the army they dont give you 
credit for knowin how or when to take a bath. 
They have a corperal there to show you. The 
one they had on the job yesterday must have 
learned from a correspondence school. 

You dont get into a bath here. You take it out 
of something an spread it over you. This time 
theyd heated a big kettle of water in a wood shed. 




THEY TAKE OFF THERE HATS TO US 



102 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

You dipped out a pailful an put some of it over 
you an the rest over your close. Just about the 
time youve got a good lather worked up the cor- 
peral says "Come on. Hurry up an get your 
close on. Your eight minits is up." Ford ought 
to get hold of that fello. Hed have them poppin 
out of the factory like corn out of a roaster. 

I didnt get a bath, but I didnt need one. Me 
an Angus both took one the day after the armis- 
tice was signed. There aint nothin thatll keep a 
man fit like keepin clean as the poets say. 

Everyones sore at these Dutchmen. They 
havnt got as much spirit as a bottle of near beer. 
All they do is take off there hats to us like we 
was a bunch of ladies an say "Tag." I thought 
first they was sayin "Dog." I went to the Captin 
an ast him if I could clean up with the next fello 
that said it. 

The Captin said Tag was just Fritz for How- 
dy. Then I ast him if I could clean up half a, 
dozen of them anyway just to get them started 
on the right lines. He says "Smith, if you try 
any of your back alley sanitashun around here 
youU be cleanin up around the gard house as 
quick as we get one." He thinks hes awful funny. 
Thats the way it goes, tho, Mable. One day your 
a quitter if you dont throw everything but the 
kitchin stove at a fello and the next day they want 
you to kiss him. 

Im sendin you a lot of post cards I paid eighty 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEl" 103 

two fennigs for. I dont know wether that was a 
bargin or a fortune. I never seen any places like 
these but they give you a good idear of the coun- 
try. I got to quit now cause there linin up for 
mess. If I ever get out of this army I wont stand 
in line agen if they was handin out five dollar 
bills. If you want to go to the movies with me 
you got to go early an avoid the rush. 

Tell Archie Wainwright I wish him a merry 
Crismus cause its liable to be his last. His only 
chance for a happy New Year is if the war breaks 
out agen. 

Until it does yours 

Bill 

Dere Mahle: 

Weve quit hikin at last. Not because we get 
anyplace tho. Why they stopped here when there 
is a road goin right thru is more than I can fig- 
ger. Theres about fifty houses in this place. I 
guess most of them was built as soon as the flood 
was dried out enuff sos they could lay the founda- 
shuns. I havnt seen a new house since I been in 
Germany. A place that wed be puttin bronze 
tablets on they think has just been built. 

They seem to be short on everything over here. 
From what I seen they live mostly on potadoes. 
The only thing they get enuff of is mud. Our 
guns is parked in a field an if we stay here much 
longer well have to blast to get them out. 



104 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE 



i'>. 



The Captin says the rules on letter ritin is off 
an we can say where we are. The only thing we 
cant do is criticize the army. I dont know where 
we are an I couldnt spell it anyhow so theres not 
much to rite about. 

We sleep in rooms now Insted of barns. The 
Dutch dont seem to care much. I can hear your 
mother if four tramps came walkin into her front 
parlor an went to sleep on the floor. The old 
fello that owns the room thinks were crazy be- 
cause we have to open our windos every night. 
He told Joe Bush there wasnt any use makin a 
fire for us cause when he spent the whole evenin 
gettin the room full of heat wed open the windo 
an let it all out. When we first got into that room 
I guess it had the original heat his granfather 
put in it. 

Crismus is only a few days away. I suppose 
theyll let us sleep half an hour extra for a Crismus 
present an then forget to tell the buglers like they 
did last year. About all it amounted to was 
standin around in the rain half an hour longer for 
mess. 

I havnt had my feet under a table now in four 
months. Theyve gotten so big since I been wearin 
these army shoes that I dont know if theyll go 
under any more. When I get home 111 probably 
pile my whole dinner in a soup plate an take it 
out in the back yard. 




LEVELS IT OFF WITH A PIECE OF BREAD" 



io6 '^SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

All feelin aside, Mable, it certinly will be good 
to get my food seperated agen. These fellos 
would pour your coffee over your dinner if there 
was any room. When you come up to the kitchin 
the first K.P. sticks a piece of meat in the bottom 
of your mess kit. Thats a sort of a foundashun. 
Then a spoonful of loose potadoes hit it like a 
soft nose bullet an thats the last you see of your 
meat. The next fello covers that with a quart of 
gravy an sticks a pickle in the top with his thum 
like inlaid work. The last one levels it off with 
a piece of bread slammed on like a cover. Angus 
says its a wise man that knows his own dinner un- 
less hes got a good memory. 

Ive learned to put down an awful lot of food, 
tho, in less time than it takes to chew it. You 
got to be fast if you want any seconds. Some of 
these fellos must store up there food like squir- 
rels cause there finished an back in the line before 
its moved ten places. Theres always some smart 
alex that washes up his mess kit an pretends hes 
just come up from the picket line. We got a 
mess sargent tho that makes Shylock Homes look 
like a night watchman. He could tell yesterdays 
greece from todays if you scoured your mess kit 
with sandpaper. 

The Fritzes are more balled up on there money 
than the French. These fellos dont even know 
what the stuffs worth themselves. They have two 
kinds of money, fennigs an marks. I dont know 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 107 

wether marks make fennigs or fennigs make 
marks. I know they both make me tired. Its 
about as easy to buy anything here as it is to 
check up a Chinese lawndry bill. They tell you 
the price of a thing in fennigs an marks. Then 
you got to figger that into franks an figger what 
its all worth in United States. Just to give your 
mind a little exercise fennigs an marks aint the 
same more than five minites. Everybody has 
there own idear of what there worth an the fello 
thats doin the sellin never has the same idear that 
you have. 

The first time I bought a glass of beer in Ger- 
many it took me so long to pay for it I almost 
got arrested for bein out after taps. We never 
did decide the thing. The reason none of these 
fellos over here never get spiffed is because they 
make you pay after every drink. Youd be more 
likely to die of thirst. 

I havnt received no Crismus box yet. Im glad 
you an your mother did as I told you an didnt pay 
any atenshun to those slips I sent you for curiosi- 
ties. If thered been any chance of sendin you any- 
thing Id have done it. You dont want to feel bad 
about that tho, cause this idear of looking at Cris- 
mus like a horse swap is all wrong. I certinly 
hope you have a merry Crismus. YouU probably 
get this letter sometime in August. 

Yours optimistically 

Bill 



io8 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

Dere Mable: 

Another Crismus an New Years has gone by. 
I wonder where theyll pick out for me to spend my 
next one. I wish I could get hold of a geografy 
an see what places are left. One of these days 
I may be able to get a furlo for Crismus if we 
happen to be fightin some country right near 
home. Then I can tell you how all the different 
nashuns spend there holidays. 

I knew thered be some string on sleepin late 
Crismus mornin. The day before there was a 
couple of fellos late to revelry. They were fellos 
whod never done any work anyway so I couldnt 
see how it mattered much. The Captin said bed 
been plannin on lettin us sleep till seven o'clock 
Crismus but if we couldnt learn to make revelry 
wed have to keep on practisin gettin up at six. It 
seems to me if a fello dont know how to do that 
now he never will. If I get up at six the first 
Crismus I spend home itll be six in the evening 
you can bet. 

Crismus mornin they lined us all up an gave 
each fello a little box marked "Greetins from the 
Folks at Home." Only they didnt say whose 
folks. Inside there was some tobacco an cigarets 
an chockolate an the like. Angus thinks theres 
something foney about it somewhere. He says 
like as not theyll take it out of our next pay roll or 
our A Lot Meants. Angus would think you had 




THEY LINED US ALL UP" 



no "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

some axe to grind if you pulled him out of a burn- 
in buildin. 

We didnt have nothin to do Crismus but take 
care of the horses an "the usual policin." That 
left me with almost an hour in the middle of the 
day without anything to do. I was goin to rite 
you a letter but I felt kind of drowsy. Ever since 
I been in the army Ive said that my first duty was 
to keep fit so I went to sleep insted. Patriotic. 
Thats me all over, Mable. 

The reasen I got a chance to rite this letter is 
because some horse stepped on my foot the other 
day an I cant walk. It wasnt any accident. That 
horse an me never got along. Hes been layin for 
me ever since I brushed his teeth with a curry 
brush. The more I see of horses the more I want 
to meet the fello that wrote Black Buty. He must 
have learned about horses in a carpenter shop. 
Im goin to rite a book about them when I get 
home that will put the S. P. C. A. out of business. 
I got to stop ritin now an answer sick call with 
my foot. Yesterday they gave me some pills. I 
suppose today theyll look at my tongue an tell me 
its my stummick thats out of order. 

Well, Mable, I havnt had so much as a pictur 
post card from you in two weeks. I hope that 
fello Archie Wainwright aint botherin you agen 
cause our hospittles is crowded enuff now. Im 
still a gentleman but if I ever catch him moldin 
your hammick around his figger — well, Mable, Id, 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" in 

talk it over with him cause I seen enuff blood shed 
already. 

yours doubtfully till I hear 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

I got the first real news for you Ive had since I 
joined the army. Were comin home toot sweet. 
Theres an outfit on its way up here now to relieve 
us. It certinly will relieve me. Just a couple of 
weeks longer an then no more square heads, no 
more flannel bandages around my legs, no more 
engins without cowcatchers. It wont seem right 
at first. I expect 111 feel like I was A.W.O.L. an 
run around the corner every time I see a police- 
man. Theres one man they neednt be afraid of 
ever startin any more wars an his names Smith. 
If I ever have a son an he so much as starts off 
with his left foot hes goin to have the worst lickin 
you ever heard of. 

A General inspected us today. I cant help feel- 
in sorry for his wife. She must spend most of her 
time lookin for a new hired girl. If he ever said 
anything nice to anybody I bet hed come back an 
apologize. Hes the kind of a fello that eats 
his own young. 

Everybody knew the General wasnt comin over 
to hang no wreaths around nobodies neck. So 
we all slicked up pretty well to humor him. 

Everything would have gone off as well as you 



112 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

could have expected If it hadnt been for that horse. 
A jokes all right in its place but its place aint un- 
der a General. The horse was so big that the 
General like to have bust gettin up. As soon as 
he got set the horse took a couple of steps. Then 
he sat down in the mud like a dog an let out a 
groan. 

Of course it was all off then. By the time hed 
coaxed that horse up to the battery he was so 
sore hed have found rust on the perly gates an put 
Saint Peter under arrest for not bein shaved. 

When he got around to my seckshun I thought 
he was about due to be out of breath. I had a 
little rip in my pants that I hadnt had time to sew 
up. Nothing anybodied notice. Just my knee 
stickin thru. That fello could see a hole in your 
undershirt tho. When he came up to me he looked 
me over like I was a windo dummy that he didnt 
care much about. Then he says to the Captin 
"What do you mean by lettin a man stand in- 
speckshun like that?" 

The Captin looked at me surprised like hed 
never seen me before. Then he turns to the sar- 
gent an says "Sargent, I want a report on why 
was that man permitted to stand inspeckshun in 
that condishun." They all talk as if they were 
doin me a favor by lettin me stand inspeckshun. 
Ill tell the world I didnt go around an ask no- 
bodies permishun. 

The sargent looked at my pants kind of hurt 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 113 

like I hadnt ast for a new pair thirty seven times. 
After the General had put the whole battery un- 
der arrest an rode away to get some raw meat he 
sighed like a fello that everybodies agenst. Then 
he turns to the corperal an says "What the this 
an that do you mean by gettin me in Dutch, you 
big space filler?" 

So the corperal stuck me on detail manacurin 
the streets for a couple of days. About all there 
is left for me is to go around an kick a few horses 
in the stummick after dark. 

The funny part about it is that everybody knew 
there hadnt been no pants ishued since we got 
here. Half the fellos in the battery is comin thru 
in places the General couldnt see because he was 
mounted. That dont make no difference. A fel- 
los knees aint got no rights in this mans army. I 
wish I was a Lady from Hell an I wouldnt have 
to bother about pants. Thats tecknickle, Mable. 
I dont guess youU get it. 

They call this passin the buck. In the army they 
got it fixed up so that nothin aint ever nobodies 
fault. Its always on the next fello down. That 
works out pretty good unless you happen to be on 
the bottom step like me. I dont know why they 
call it passin the buck. I never saw it pass him 
yet. 

Your Crismus box came yesterday. It sure was 
good of you to send it after all I said. At least 
a good part of it came considerin one end of the 



114 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 

box was gone. There was enuff left to give me 
an idear of what had been in it. The only rea- 
son that any of it got here was because theyd set 
so many things on top of it that some of the stuff 
got kind of baled an stuck to the insides. 

The thing that struck us most was the size of 
the box. Whoever got that up must have thought 
that the folks at home was goin to send us jewel- 
rey for Crismus. I didnt care cause I knew it 
wasnt your fait. Joe took it kind of hard tho 
cause he forgot to send any slips home an he was 
kind of countin on me. 

I got six letters from you all at once a couple 
of days ago. You must carry them around in 
your pocket a week or two like I do when anybody 
gives me a bunch to mail. I didnt care about any- 
thing tho when I read that Archie Wainwrlght 
had gone an married that little snub nosed thing 
across the street. I guess he must have been 
tipped off that nobodied given him the freedom of 
the city. Some reason or other tho I feel madder 
at him than I did before. I guess theres got to 
be a casulty when I get home anyway. 

I aint goin to rite any more cause the sargent 
ast me to help him out this afternoon cleanin the 
guns. I dont like to leave him to do it all alone 
when were so near the finish. Tell the good news 
to your father an mother. 

Yours on the home stretch 

BUI 




THAT LITTLE SNUB NOSED THING ACROSS THE STREET' 



ii6 "SAME OLD BILL, EH iMABLEI" 

Dere Mable: 

Here I am ritln you at the govermlnts expense 
for the last time. Were in the same place where 
we first rested almost a year ago. It hasnt 
changed much except theyve gotten in more mud 
an tents since then an there aint so many boats to 
unpack. 

Weve turned in our Soizant Canses to some 
monument factory. Weve said good by to our 
horses for ever. The last thing one of them did 
was to try an kick me as I went past. Thats 
there idea of gratitude. Now we got less to do 
than the doboys cause we havnt even got rifles 
to clean. This is the last letter youll ever get 
from me in France. If I have my say about it its 
the last letter youll ever get from me anywhere. 
I never want to get out of telefone range agen. 
Our boat is all ready. This will probably travel 
over on the same boat with me. I wanted to rite 
you from the A.E.F. for the last time. An by 
the way, Mable, that dont mean Am Expectin 
Flowers but Am Extremely Fortunate. 

There aint much to say just like there aint much 
to do. I feel awful funny. I cant exactly explain 
it. Of course I want to go home. Thats all Ive 
wanted to do since November. At the same time 
I feel kind of sad like you do when your comin 
back to work from your summer vacashun. We 
been in the old army so long, an weve done the 
same things an cussed at them so many times, that 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLEI" 117 

you get sort of fond of the whole business just 
like you do any job that takes an awful long time 
an a lot of hard work to finish, but that youve fin- 
ished. I guess you could get sentimental about 
piece work in a factory — after youd quit. 

I never thought when I sat here in the mud last 
May an rote you how Id escaped from the pearls 
of the sea, as the poets say, that Id ever sit here 
agen an rite you that I was comin home. I never 
menshuned this of course for fear it would worry 
you. Now that its all over tho its all right to talk 
about it. It wasnt that I was scared cause I guess 
you know that I was never scared of nothin. 
Nerveless. Thats me all over, Mable. But I 
used to think of how hard youd take it when you 
saw it in the papers, an how people would come 
an look at your house an shake there heads an 
walk away. Some of them would pull out a lace 
hankercheff out of there neck or sleeve or wher- 
ever you carry those things. Theyd touch up there 
eyes a bit an say "I knew him well," wether they 
did or not. 

You know, Mable, that once or twice when I 
get lyin awake at night thinkin about all that stuff 
I came pretty near cryin myself it struck me as so 
sad. The one I liked to think of best tho was the 
minister sayin a few butiful words about me Sun- 
day. All the people was turnin around to look 
at you. You were cryin quiet like an your mother 



ii8 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

was tryin to keep the tears from spottin the red 
Moroko himnal. 

An here I am safe an sound without even a 
wound stripe. I feel the same way that I did 
when I came across on the boat without getting 
sunk. It aint fair to you somehow or other. I 
kind of cheated somehow, tho for the hfe of me 
I cant figer how. It makes me into a sort of a 
third class crook but Im glad to be one. 

Theres been an awful lot of talk in the papers 
an magazines about how were comin home 
changed men. I dont believe your goin to have 
any trouble recognizin me, Mable. Perhaps Ive 
gotten a little stouter. Thats about all. Even 
the Captin, whose been with me ever since we 
started, was sayin to me the other day "Smith, I 
cant see any difference in you since the first day 
you came into the army." 
' I got thinkin the other night what a lot of good 
yarns I had to spin when I got home. I was plan- 
nin on how people would probably ask me 
around to dinner sos I could amuse em with stories 
about the war. I happened to menshun it to An- 
gus an he says yes an there was about two milyun 
others plannin the same thing. He says the stuff 
about the folks that stay at home sufferin the most 
was never truer than it is just now. 

So Ive just sworn off talkin war when I get 
home. I aint never goin to get like that fello 
down in Henrys barber shop that just sits around 




IM GOING TO BE JUST PLAIN MR. BILL SMITH 



120 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

all day tryin to get somebody to lissen to the Bat- 
tle of Gethisburg. 

I may have speshul occashuns when I let loose. 
Like once in a while when were sittin alone eve- 
ning in the little house with the green blinds that 
aint built yet. Then 111 get out the helmet that 
belonged to the red headed Fritz an the looger 
pistel an the irun crosses. Ill tell you how the big 
ones sounded when they went over the dug-out. 
Ill show you how Fritz says Kamarad. Ill tell 
you about bilets an mud an Top sargents an 
whiz bangs. Perhaps once a year, say Crismus 
or something, 111 tell about goin over the top. I 
got to get that out of my sistem once in a while. 

The rest of the time Im goin to be just plain 
Mr. Bill Smith, docter or brick layer or lawyer or 
street car conductor — anything in fact that hasnt 
got any horses connected with it. 

So good by for a while. The next time you 
here from me itll be the scrapin of my hobnails 
on the front stoop. Then look out. Impulsive. 
Thats me all over, Mable. 

Bill 



THE END 



b,.p'21 



